tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25070535171502348312024-03-19T01:49:47.382-07:00 Mako Services, Inc.Die Another DayMako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-32911268158816007132013-06-18T11:38:00.000-07:002013-06-18T11:38:21.114-07:00Tip #18: How to Remain Single
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">Marriage
and monogamous relationships, in general, are becoming epidemic. In some cases,
the epidemic provides a warm, comforting blanket to the individuals infected.
However, there are many folks terrified by this plague for varying reasons.
Some feel that by entering into marriage, they are giving up a sense of
themselves, of their independence and equate commitment with death. Others fear
making the wrong decision. The concept of spending an eternity with the same
woman or man that turns out to be the very living embodiment of Satan is simply
too much to bear; therefore they shun the idea of marriage altogether,
preferring the comforts of familiarity to the fear of the unknown. It is these
individuals that we’ve catered to with this survival tip. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">When spending time in a public
forum that’s ripe for potential socialization, it’s best to appear
unapproachable. Do not make eye contact with the other patrons. If applicable,
maintain focus on the television screen even if it’s something preposterous
like gerbil racing. If there’s an empty seat next to you, fill it with your
coat or handbag so as to prevent a stranger from feeling friendly enough to sit
down and strike up a conversation with you. If someone fails to pick up on these
anti-social vibes you’re throwing down, use minimal words to express yourself,
do not make eye contact, seem enthralled with your food, appear totally bored
with them, etc. You get the point. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">Deodorant. In this case, it’s
not your friend. It’s unfortunate that this will result in alienating some of
(or majority of) your peers, friends, and family, but this is a necessary
casualty of war. You don’t want to seem attractive to the opposite sex. Let’s
face it. No one wants to bang stinky. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">It goes without saying that
mean people suck. If you’re a big enough asshole, there’s not a sane person on
this planet that’s going to want to date you. Just tone it down a notch for
family and friends. You want to be single, not ostracized. You also don’t want
your ass kicked. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">Eliminate flair. It’s great
that you have eclectic hobbies and a great personality, however that’s exactly
that kind of crap that’s going to land you a significant other. Keep the
scintillating aspects of your person to yourself. It’s important to appear as
bland as possible to the opposite sex otherwise you may give the impression
that you are a “catch.” When attempting to channel this inner bore, try to
imagine that you’re a saltine cracker. Saltine crackers are functional, but
there’s absolutely nothing interesting about them. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">If you’re someone who may not
want to commit to one dish in particular, but still want to partake in the
buffet, steps #1 through 4 are not for you. Steps #5 and onward will cover getting
action without committing to one flavor. For those of you strictly interested
in one-night stands and nothing more, there is no need to even exchange phone
numbers with the person you had sex with. In fact, last names are unnecessary
as well seeing as how that opens the door for that person to stalk you out on
Facebook. There IS, however, a great need for you to use a condom. It’s called
STD’s and accidental pregnancy, neither of which are appealing. Google it if
you don’t believe us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">Perhaps the idea of a one-night
stand repulses you slightly. You’d like to keep your “Number” a reasonably low
one. You don’t want to risk venereal diseases or disgusting potential mates
with an extraordinarily high “Number.” You’re good with having a consistent
partner (or two) as long as it doesn’t require you to alter your single status.
In order to accomplish that, it’s important not to present yourself as too
available or else you run the risk of being unknowingly backed into a
relationship. You do not need to respond to every stupid phone call and text
message. You do not need to see each other every weekend. “Date Night” is not something
that you should allow yourself to be sucked into. “Date Night” is for couples,
something you have no desire to be a part of. You are also not a wedding date.
Again, being sucked into a wedding that you were not invited to yourself is
something that only happens to people in relationships. Always attend a wedding
stag. You never know who you’re going to meet and having a date with you will
only weigh you down. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">Do not let any of your
penetration partners store shit at your home. On the flipside, do not store any
of your shit at their home. Your place is yours. Their place is theirs. Never
shall the two meet. Keeping things separated is the only way you can truly keep
your lives separate. Once you start allowing your bedmate to encroach on your
territory, the game is over. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">Needless to say, there is
absolutely no reason to have this person you’re being noncommittal about meet
your family or for you to meet theirs. Meeting the family allows an individual
to gain insight to who you are, which is way too personal for someone you don’t
care about. If you have no plans of bumping this individual up from bedmate to
boyfriend/girlfriend, what is the point in complicating matters? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">No sleepovers. If you’re just
looking for sex without any sort of emotional attachment, there is absolutely
no reason to sleep with this person. Sleeping together implies a sense of
intimacy. Intimacy toes the line of relationship, whether it’s a fully committed
one or a quasi-committed one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";">There
is a fine line between having a detached sexual relationship and a casual, but
meaningful one. Before getting yourself involved with an individual, you need
to decide what you’re looking for. If you actually have or want emotional ties
to the person you’re casually sleeping with, but still do not want a
commitment, the above steps are not going to help you. They’re designed to keep
your partner at an arm’s length at all times, limiting emotional involvement.
They’re designed to ensure complete and total independence. In fact, following
these steps is pretty much a guarantee that the person you feel affection for
will avoid sleeping with you at all costs. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.</span></div>
Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-38830289922628870932013-06-14T13:49:00.005-07:002013-06-14T13:50:23.047-07:00Are You Ready?<div style="text-align: center;">
Shark Week 2013 is coming! And its never too early to start preparing</div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh07adFoHdKacDyRQKhNRwKJLYXZ56VcQiDsYbLdM-vPMgLpWZ_Nw7u6RkR23S4RjkuOBaRiQ_iPWY5iZKIofA2AzO7y0z5vORWfGgXvxatCS5gwLfsHk4xG3p3j5X8TNhyoMtyglRsF3ub/s1600/Shark+week+2013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh07adFoHdKacDyRQKhNRwKJLYXZ56VcQiDsYbLdM-vPMgLpWZ_Nw7u6RkR23S4RjkuOBaRiQ_iPWY5iZKIofA2AzO7y0z5vORWfGgXvxatCS5gwLfsHk4xG3p3j5X8TNhyoMtyglRsF3ub/s400/Shark+week+2013.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-57299119667513577962011-10-12T13:11:00.000-07:002011-10-12T13:11:37.220-07:00Tip #17: How to be Late to Work Without Suffering the Consequences<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Let’s face it. We’ve all been late to work before. In some cases, there are those who are late on a consistent basis (The CEO’s, on the other hand, are never late for a job unless it’s strategically beneficial). We’re here to tell you that being late isn’t the problem. It’s the aftermath of being late that hurts. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">The simplest way to avoid punishment is to not get caught. Take the back door and/or whatever route to your desk that will avoid 98% of the office population. Slide into your chair, turn on your computer, and start shuffling papers and files around as if you’re actively working on something so that to any random passerby, it looks as if you’ve been there the entire time. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">If you’re busted arriving late, be apologetic. Apologizing will go over a lot smoother than kicking your boss in the groin and running away in a zig-zag pattern.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Having a good reason for bad behavior often garners sympathy from figures of authority. Think about it. Does anyone get pissed off at Superman for destroying the city after he single-handedly prevents a trio of creepy black leather-clad beings hailed from another planet from eradicating the city’s population? No! They applaud his heroics! Here are a few suggestions that have worked for us in the past:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 74.65pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">“I was in a car accident. I’m a little shaken up, but thankfully no injuries.” Just make sure there aren’t any witnesses to shut down this excuse. We did have an instance in which a fellow claimed he’d be in an accident and it turned out that he <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">had</i> been in an accident…the night before in the office parking lot in front of several of his peers. His bumper was left on his manager’s desk. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 74.65pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">“I was just about to leave the house, which would’ve guaranteed that I would’ve been here on time, when <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Zombieland</i> came on. I don’t know why, but every time that movie is on, I have to sit and watch it through the end no matter what I’m doing. It’s a sickness. I don’t know what to do about it.” This excuse is so bizarre that there’s no way your boss will think you’re lying, hence the genius of it. Sure, he/she may think you’re mentally unstable, but at the most, all he/she will be able to do to you is recommend you seek therapy (which you’ll gladly do because then you can use your appointments as excuses to leave work early). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 74.65pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">“Instead of getting dressed for work when my alarm went off, I stayed in bed to play with myself, so it took a bit longer for me to get ready than usual, which of course, got me on the road later than usual, and now here we are.” This is especially effective if you’re a woman with a straight male boss. Combine this excuse with big boobs (or a push up bra) and a low cut blouse and we pretty much have a no-fail situation. While less effective with a straight female boss, she <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should</i> be able to at least understand where you’re coming from. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 74.65pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">“My friend and I couldn’t fathom why there didn’t exist such a thing as an email high-five, so we spent the better part of the morning writing the perfect HTML code to create one in an effort to improve communication across the email galaxy. It took some time, but the good news is that we’re really on to something big here. It’s groundbreaking stuff.” As you can see, this shows your boss that you were late for legitimate work-related issues as opposed to being late because you’re lazy and inept. Actually, since it’s work-related, you’re technically not even late! You may even get a promotion for taking the initiative to create something fresh and exciting and to do it outside of your scheduled work shift. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Sometimes, it’s not your boss that’s going to nail you to the cross. There are occasions when the person itching to string you up is the office’s token “<a href="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110105114632/theoffice/images/c/cd/Dwight_Schrute.jpg">Dwight Schrute</a>.” He/she wants to be well-liked by the boss, which will hopefully lead to advancement. In order to do this, he/she is willing to sacrifice as many people as possible. Removing this obstacle is an easy matter, but it requires stealth and a pair of balls. Either you have to be ballsy enough to call the professionals (i.e. Mako Services, Inc.) to eliminate the problem on your behalf or competent enough to do it yourself. Once the example has been set, no one will ever tattle on you again. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Obviously, the easiest way to avoid getting into trouble for being late is to not be late, but we at Mako Services, Inc. strongly feel that there are some things that are just not worth being on time to. Unless you are a ninja assassin, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, fire fighter, and/or EMT, there’s just no good reason for you to arrive at your place of employment on time. We understand. However, your straight-laced and non-innovative superiors will not understand. Therefore, keep some believable and reliable excuses handy at all times. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-63301278742336331572011-09-18T14:12:00.000-07:002011-09-18T14:12:28.008-07:00Dear Distressed DadWe've received the below email from the one who calls himself, "Distressed Dad." Since the CEO's of Mako Services, Inc. are apparently now the equivalent of a deranged "Dear Abby," we've decided to share it with the public. <br />
<br />
<em>Dear Mako Services,<br />
Recently while cleaning up some old files on a computer, my teenage daughter found an computer graphic illustration (attached) that she had done on a school computer back when she was about 11 or 12 years old. In all other ways she seems relatively normal, but still, given this image...should I be concerned? - Distressed Dad</em><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwpp9PUWR_E8gXBhAzBECSulk8guuW5DGOoTt44VfT9IN1CgmBNpqgDV6l9TL0GMe37e92-svGp93oBGhrYTNwuCkfxIO8H2M_AafjzXlzmPnFpVa6gTpe1xiadoctyB8rKfIXplDVfdwg/s1600/72442_1506147575480_1288017711_31221343_6982746_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" rba="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwpp9PUWR_E8gXBhAzBECSulk8guuW5DGOoTt44VfT9IN1CgmBNpqgDV6l9TL0GMe37e92-svGp93oBGhrYTNwuCkfxIO8H2M_AafjzXlzmPnFpVa6gTpe1xiadoctyB8rKfIXplDVfdwg/s320/72442_1506147575480_1288017711_31221343_6982746_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>This is is our answer to you, Distressed Dad. What your daughter has depicted here is called, "The Circle of Life." You've probably heard of it. You seem like the kind of person who has spent countless hours absorbing every minute detail of <em>The Lion King</em> and its soundtrack. Your daughter clearly has a healthy grasp on reality. She will not be duped by visions of sugar plum fairies and candy canes. She understands that what the future holds is not a colorful, magical land filled with centaurs, griffins, minotaurs, and a giant talking lion named Aslan who consistently manages to save the day at the last hour. The famous Dread Pirate Roberts summed it up perfectly when he said, "Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." <br />
<br />
What we suggest to you, Distressed Dad, is that you learn a lesson from your dear daughter here. She obviously has the smarts that you're in need of. Stop watching <em>The Lion King</em> and consider watching something more meaningful like <em>300</em>. They're all beautiful men with perfectly crafted abs who are remembered for their heroic sacrifice on behalf of their country, but the fact remains that they all die at the end. What a waste of muscle. <br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
The CEO'sMako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-75570812210211576272011-09-11T10:50:00.000-07:002011-09-11T10:50:54.136-07:00New PSA Released Regarding Ethical Treatment of ZombiesIn this <a href="http://info.break.com/break/html/sponsors/comic-con-san-diego-2011-nerd-machine/comic-con-san-diego-2011-nerd-machine.html?episode=11">new PSA</a> regarding the ethical treatment of zombies, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1157048/">Zachary Levi</a> asks that we stop dicking around when confronting a flesh-eating zombie and simply aim for the head. While we don't care much for the warm and fuzzy nature of this PSA, we can't help but applaud Levi for stressing the importance of taking a zombie bitch out by the head! <a href="http://makoservicesinc.blogspot.com/2010/09/tip-4-how-to-survive-zombie-apocalypse.html">It's what we've been saying all along</a>! <br />
<br />
Thank YOU, Mr. Levi for shedding additional light on this dilemna...even if it was delivered in a saccharine promotion of civil rights kind of way. <br />
<br />
Remember, kids. Attempting to torture a zombie instead of killing it outright is much like toying with a venemous snake. Eventually, the snake will bite you and prompt an inevitiable and painful death. You're just not quite sure when.Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-5180644702322753002011-08-25T20:05:00.000-07:002011-08-25T20:05:12.898-07:00Tip #16: How to Survive a Hurricane<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">With the entire eastern seaboard monitoring Hurricane Irene and of course, panicking as if we’re about to be hit by a meteor, we felt it time to educate you simple folks on surviving a hurricane. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Be sure you have all the tools necessary to hold down the fort for an extended period of time without power (which means no television, internet machines, or cable. You understand?). The essentials are as follows:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">A ridiculously large amount batteries in all sizes (INCLUDING back up batteries for your cell phones). Even if you think you’ve got more batteries than a small country could ever use in a lifetime, you haven’t got enough. Just think of all the items you’ll be using that require batteries and you don’t know how long you’ll be without electricity. Seriously. Just THINK about all the things you can use batteries for. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Flashlights. Thank goodness you have all those batteries, right?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Candles in different sizes, shapes, colors, and scents. It’s important to have a variety. You don’t want to get sick of something that you may be stuck with for a long period of time.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Reading material – books, magazines, pornos, dictionaries, Mad Libs, whatever will help you pass the time that typically would’ve been spent watching television and Facebook stalking.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Toys in varying speeds, sizes, functions. You don’t want to become bored with using the same one over and over. Besides, what ELSE are you going to do if you’re alone?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Vaseline. It serves more purposes than you may realize. Trust us.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Handcuffs and assorted tethers…you know…in case you’re shacked up with a friend and you’re bored…OH! And in case someone tries to break into your home to steal your crap. Yup. That’s it. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">On the subject of B & E’s, an array weapons for protection purposes. It’s a mad world out there. In times of crisis, people will do absolutely anything in order to acquire what they need to survive. Automatic weapons, semi-automatic weapons, sniper rifles, knives, baseball bats, explosives, etc. can all be counted on to properly defend your home. The more the merrier, we always say. You can never have too much fire power. It should go without saying that you should be able to actually operate these weapons. Don’t just stock up on crap you have no idea how to use. That will accomplish absolutely nothing, but it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will</i> increase the likelihood of getting yourself killed (which might actually do the rest of us a favor). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Enough non-perishable food items and water to feed a small army, even if it’s just you. Better safe than sorry. You don’t want to make a gross miscalculation and then be forced to eat your beloved pet. You’ll never forgive yourself and we won’t be able to forgive you either, which means that when this is all over, Mako Services, Inc. will be coming for you. Have we made ourselves clear? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">A fully stocked first aid kit for obvious reasons. Maybe we should’ve listed this higher on the list…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Rain gear. It gets a little wet during a hurricane.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">A rowboat, raft, or a canoe in case of flooding and transportation becomes necessary. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Umbrella. Like we said in #12, it gets a little wet during a hurricane.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 38.65pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">A way to heat up food, water, etc. The manner in which you accomplish this is entirely up to you. Just keep in mind that there’s no electricity so anything that requires being plugged into an outlet in order to work is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> an option. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Things that aren’t vital, but are nice to have: </span></div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Crowbar to assist you in opening things that may be blocked…or beat someone over the head that might be trying to steal something from you or who is a zombie. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Goggles to help you see better in water.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Floaties to help promote floatation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Lingerie. No need to let yourself go just because a natural disaster is upon us. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">A nurse or doctor’s outfit so that you can volunteer your services at the local hospital, which will probably need as much help as it can get. Of course, if you’re feeling selfish, this item will be of no use to you so feel free to disregard it. It’s just nice to have. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Air mattress. If your house becomes flooded, an air mattress will suit your needs better than a standard-issued mattress. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">These lists can be used to plan for any impending natural disaster...or kegger to be quite honest. Unfortunately, if you are like most Americans, you probably have none of these items handy and will have to contend with the other idiots running amuck and ransacking the local supermarkets and sex shops to stock up. Just remember that had you prepared in advance, you could’ve be sitting on the couch, drinking your bottle of Jameson right now, relaxing, and waiting for the world to end.</span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-70423945310601697952011-08-25T10:00:00.000-07:002011-08-25T10:00:27.849-07:00Tip #15: "I am an earthquake survivor!"<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ll tell you, living on the East Coast and never having experienced an earthquake before, I really did not know what to expect. In fact, I did not even know at first that it WAS an earthquake. I thought maybe someone was onto my secret alias and bombed my building in an attempt to eliminate me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But once the ground started shaking more profusely, I realized what was going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I immediately jumped up, grabbed my bag, tape, walkie talkie and the hardhat from my supervisors chair. Running through the ground level of the hospital, I did my civic duty of warning everyone to get out of the building. “Everyone get out! The building is collapsing!! We need to get out now! Now! Now!” As people started panicking and racing around grabbing their belongings, I made my way upstairs into the heart of the Emergency Department. I continued warning everyone of the imminent destruction of the hospital and began pushing patients out the doors to help the attending physicians evacuate the bedridden, poor, helpless souls. I was very noble and selfless in my endeavors to save everyone. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I ran up the 3 flights of stairs and over to the psych ward warning everyone I saw along the way. All the nurses were panicking and unsure about what to do or how to keep the crazy patients from jumping out the windows. B<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">arbed wire, perhaps?</i> I expressed to them my concern for these patients and turning back to look, I noticed they were running in zigzag patterns screaming about the end of the world and wearing strapped on helmets<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">. Look at these crazies</i>. I directed them to the stairs and started arguing that they needed to trust me and get as far away from the building as possible! “Get off of the campus and across the street!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I continue up the stairs. The building swaying me back and forth on the staircase. The cemented walls starting to break behind the foam padding, I can hear it cracking and see the shifting as I make my way further up the building not thinking for a second about my own life or the fact that I may die here in this god forsaken hospital. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I should have taken the job at St Francis</i>. Further and further I climbed simultaneously warning everyone as the building showed its instability. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finally. I reached the very top. and tried my best to get everyone out. Then, out of nowhere, the shaking desists. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What?</i> I intercommed the security office from my portable communication device…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Eagle Eye to Base! Come in base! Whats going on? The quake seems to have dissipated. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are we dead?”</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“No, you asshole! It was just a minor tremor! Residuals from an earthquake in Virginia. You got to be kidding me! You made everyone panic! There are psychiatric patients being sent to the ER from getting hit by cars cause YOU told them to run across the street!!! What is wrong with you!?”</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oops. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Later that day, I was greeted by the Chief Security Officer of the hospital who was, well, less than pleased with my efforts. He put me on probation for 6 months and mandated that I do “hospital service” for the full term to help out and repair the mental damage I apparently did to the psych patients. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I actually became very good friends with a few of them. Turns out we have a lot in common. Go Figure. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-53964892349789358672011-07-27T12:22:00.000-07:002011-07-27T12:22:11.677-07:00Mako Services, Inc. Welcomes New Employee!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Codename: Indian (Agent I)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Agent I hails to us from the exotic land of Queens to take over the role of Independent Consultant for Foreign Affairs. <em><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-style: normal; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">Having spent several years performing covert ops in the Middle East, Agent I brings to Mako Services, Inc. an in depth knowledge of desert survival, explosives, hand-to-hand combat, throwing knives, and the meditative practice of Yoga. His early years interning with the Russian KGB will make him a vital asset in the Eastern European region. </span></em><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Expertly trained by Pai Mei in the art of breaking through walls with limited space to maneuver, carrying buckets of water on his back, and speaking in Russian, Indian, Greek, and British accents, Agent I is responsible for <em><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-style: normal; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">gathering intel and the internationals affairs of Mako Services, Inc., including overseas marketing and investments, negotiations with our foreign clientele, defense strategies, and other areas of a special and confidential nature, operating primarily out of Mako Services, Inc.’s office on The Continent. </span></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><em><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-style: normal; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">Agent I currently holds a double BA in “Eastern European Linguistics” and “Middle Eastern Linguistics,” as well as a Masters in “Russian History” from Oxford University. </span></em></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-87617096389257354732011-07-21T07:24:00.000-07:002011-07-21T08:17:49.662-07:00Tip #14: Celebrating Shark Week<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">It’s that most wonderful time of the year again, folks and before you stupidly respond, “Wait, it’s not December,” please keep silent or prepare to suffer the consequences. Shark Week 2011 kicks off July 31<sup>st</sup> at 9 pm with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Great White Invasion</i>. God, just thinking about it sends shivers down our spine in excited anticipation. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Since important holidays such as this deserve proper observance, we’ve decided to educate you in the art of Shark Week Celebration so that you don’t screw this up like everything else that you do in your life. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">If you have a Facebook account, fan the official Shark Week Facebook page so that you keep abreast of all news updates, advocacy opportunities, events, and programming information. Ditto on the Twitter front. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Clear your evening calendar because it’s mandatory that you watch the premier of the new shark specials on the Discovery Channel. On the schedule for this year is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Great White Invasion</i> (as previously stated), <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws Come Home</i> (July 31<sup>st</sup> at 10 pm), <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rogue Sharks</i> (August 1<sup>st</sup> at 9 pm), <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Summer of the Shark</i> (August 1<sup>st</sup> at 10 pm), <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Killer Shark</i> (August 2<sup>nd</sup> at 9 pm), <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How Sharks Hunt</i> (August 3<sup>rd</sup> at 9 pm), and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark City</i> (August 4<sup>th</sup> at 9 pm).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even better than watching these riveting documentaries solo is throwing a shark-themed party and inviting all of your friends over to partake in the festivities. Bake <a href="https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=1542523563806&set=o.135180579829454&type=1&theater">shark-themed cupcakes</a> and/or shark-shaped cookies (yes, they make shark cookie cutters so no excuses! Even Agent U has one), create crafty shark-themed decorations, and serve ocean blue-colored drinks (alcoholic, of course, or else what’s the point?). Under no circumstances, should you offer shark fin soup on your menu! How barbaric could you possibly be? This is about shark conservation, not butchery! </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">We encourage you to take the entire week off from work to truly appreciate Mother Nature’s finest killing machine. Each day visit a different local aquarium and spend an adequate amount of time in the shark exhibit, studying the species’ nuances and differences. Appreciate the perfection that is the shark. Become so familiar with the shark that you value the species’ purpose in our ecosystem and become sympathetic to its plight. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, be sure you’re in front of a television on time for when the new shark specials air. If finances simply do not allow you the luxury of multiple aquarium visits, feel free to spend your days inside watching past Shark Week documentaries and/or reading up on the species via the World Wide Web (be sure to reference reliable sources and no, Wikipedia is not a reliable source). </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">To promote Shark Week (and become closer to <a href="https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=1469281486412&set=o.135180579829454&type=1&theater">living each day like it’s Shark Week</a>, which is of course the ultimate goal), wear a different shark shirt each day. Here are some recommended examples: <a href="http://www.cafepress.com/+its_great_to_be_white_white_tshirt,157040156">Example A</a>, <a href="http://www.cafepress.com/+swim_shark_dark_tshirt,471220904">Example B</a>, <a href="http://www.cafepress.com/+stop_hammertime_toddler_tshirt,284334376">Example C</a>. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Go forth and be one with the shark. It is your job to make the world a better place for the ocean’s apex predator. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-24688264554767427762011-06-28T06:22:00.000-07:002011-07-19T11:07:13.858-07:00Tip #13: Communicating in Movie Dialogue<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Communicating in movie dialogue is a fantastic way to make others feel excluded, especially if a) they’re unable to figure out what the hell is going on or b) they’re able to decipher what you’re doing, but unable to determine what movie you’re referencing and therefore, unable to participate. Bonus points for referencing multiple movies during the conversation in order to really confuse said individuals. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">The CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. are experts at this tactic. In fact, we’re actually the founders of this delicate art. Is it not expected that a rookie practitioner will be able to execute the complicated Multiple Movie Reference Conversation and for that reason we will not spend much time on educating you on the subject. Just be aware that the option does exist for those ready to advance their practice. </span></div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Expand your movie database. Knowing the ins and outs of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">one</i> movie is merely a party trick and realistically speaking, you’re not the only one who has memorized <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Goonies</i>. You do not possess an impressive skill set in the slightest. Having extensive knowledge of a vast array of movies? Now <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that’s</i> something to be proud of.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Are you able to identify the source of the following movie dialogue transaction: </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">“What’s your name?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">“Plenty! Plenty O’Toole!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">“Named for your father perhaps.”</span><br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">If so, you have a promising future as a Movie Dialogue Communicator. Inserting lines like these into your daily conversation proves that you’re not just some jackwagon spouting popular lines from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Hangover</i>. This proves that you’re a movie connoisseur. You’re not to be trifled with. If you’re utterly clueless as to the origin of this quote, you’ve got a lot to learn before you hang with the big boys. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><ol start="3" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Once you’ve familiarized with a good number of movies like a lover familiarizes himself with his partner, it’s time to make a friend who has the same movie referencing talents that you do and shares an intense dislike for the majority of the people you’re forced to spend time with...like your asshole co-workers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is vital that you’re close enough to this person that when conversing in movie dialogue, you can pick up each other’s cues and move to the next appropriate movie quote easily. Even if you’re speaking in movie dialogue that’s completely unrelated to the actual conversation at hand, your partner should be able to understand the direction of the conversation and roll with the punches (note: it is only recommended that you attempt this maneuver when you and your partner can work together as one unit like Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Miami Vice</i>). </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Now that you’ve developed your skills and secured a partner in crime, it’s time to utilize your knowledge at the expense of others. The best way to show you how to insert movie dialogue into a normal, everyday (and most like dull) conversation is to demonstrate with a simple example. Say you are milling about the office communal kitchen one Friday, waiting for the coffee pot to finish brewing. You are standing with your partner in crime (PIC) and 2 of your co-workers, both of whom are dull-witted, annoying, and most likely, completely dead space to the human race. Let’s call them John and Doug. Naturally, polite conversation will be struck up in order to prevent an extended awkward silence while the 4 of you impatiently watch the coffee drip slowly, but steadily into the glass coffee pot. It might go a little something like this:</span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";"> John: It sure is sunny out</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Doug: Lovely weather</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">John: I’m definitely going to try to get outside this weekend. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">You: Do or do not. There is no try.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">John: Um, yeah, I guess. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">PIC: She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Doug: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Who</i>?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">You: Wonderful girl. Either I’m going to kill her or I’m beginning to like her. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">John: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What</i>?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">You: Into exile, I must go. Failed, I have. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">*exit kitchen regardless of whether or not you’ve gotten your cup of coffee*</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Next, meet your PIC in a pre-determined location to laugh about how perplexed you’ve made your idiot co-workers. Return to the kitchen to retrieve your cup of coffee, if necessary. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">As you can see, communicating in movie dialogue isn’t really that hard to do as long as you’ve got the necessary knowledge. Obviously, the better you become at doing this, the more complicated and/or cryptic you can get with your movie dialogue conversations. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-14761240005347726082011-04-03T18:56:00.000-07:002011-07-19T11:05:58.481-07:00Tip #12: Handling Eavesdroppers<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Human beings by nature are curious creatures. If we weren’t, we’d never know the wonder of the light bulb, penicillin, or Reese’s peanut butter cups. The arrival of the internet has cultivated this trait. Thanks to readily available and informative websites such as WebMD and Wikipedia, we can now approach our physicians with pages upon pages of printouts detailing the variety of cancers and autoimmune diseases that correlate to our symptoms. Google Maps and MapQuest have retired the use of roadmaps. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">While the internet has clearly fed our desires to know more, the introduction of social networks like MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter has completely exploited it. “Peggy Johnson is burning off the calories at cardio kickboxing!” Who gives a shit? Unfortunately, enough people “liking” or leaving idiotic feedback on these mundane statuses promotes this type of behavior and as a result, it becomes a never ending cycle of nonsense that Peggy shares with the world. Since we’ve become so used to knowing Peggy’s every single activity, thought, and thanks to foursquare, her location at any given time of the day, we feel the need to know <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everyone’s</i> activities, thoughts, and location even though we’re not entitled to know. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">For individuals with a modicum of intelligence, this invasion of personal space is truly terrifying. However, the situation becomes further exacerbated when the invading person is not only someone who you haven’t willingly disclosed information to, but also someone who shares your personal business with anyone who’ll listen. Nothing infuriates the CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. more than assholes that air other people’s dirty laundry…except maybe slow drivers or Taco Bells that fail to offer packets of Fire sauce to their customers. It’s for that reason that we’ve chosen to arm our minions with the skills necessary to survive an eavesdropper assault and to strike back. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;"><br />
</div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Pretending that the eavesdropper doesn’t exist is not an acceptable defense tactic. You may think that by ignoring the individual, they’ll eventually tire of you and stop listening to your conversation, but this assumption is a mistake. Conducting your conversation as though no one is listening guarantees that the eavesdropper is going to pay attention to every single word you say and will most likely repeat it to someone else. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">You need to come to terms with the fact that an eavesdropper, no matter how many dirty looks you shoot their way, will remain an eavesdropper until the day they eavesdrop on a conversation that finds them in the same situation as Jimmy Hoffa. There is nothing you can do short of “eliminating” the individual that will change an eavesdropper’s behavior patterns. Just accept it.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Now that you’ve accepted the faults of your adversary, you need to learn how to combat them or else prepare for the entire office (and potentially people who’ve never met you) to know about that bartender you had sex with on your cruise to the <place w:st="on">Caribbean</place> last month. Once you’re aware that your eavesdropper has joined your conversation, make sure it becomes as uncomfortable as possible for them to listen. Anything of importance should be conveyed to your confident in a low, clear voice so that he/she can hear you, but your eavesdropper is unable to. Throughout the conversation, raise your voice and randomly insert an awkward word so as to turn off your eavesdropper. Examples of words or phrases that would function in this aspect include, but are not limited to, yeast infection, menstrual cycle, Chlamydia, crooked penises, cancer, gynecologist, nipple hair, Herpes, infection, poop, diarrhea, and UTI. The goal here is to either disgust or freak out your opponent so much that he/she will never want to listen in on your conversations again. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Should the above step backfire and you find yourself in a situation where the office suddenly thinks that you have Chlamydia, Herpes, diarrhea, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> an UTI, understand that your foe is more deviant than previously thought. Clearly, there’s nothing that this sick person won’t latch onto and spread like a rash. The good news is that their hunger to repeat other people’s filth can become their undoing. Within earshot of your eavesdropper, plant the seed of deceit. Slyly mention to a trustworthy partner in crime that you saw the new PM necking with your boss’ secretary last night during a late showing of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Eclipse</i>. Everyone knows that interoffice relationships are a definite violation your company’s policy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your eavesdropper is sure to regurgitate this (most likely to your boss) and when the rumor proves to be unfounded, your eavesdropper will look and feel like a real asshole. Is it unfair to drag your innocent co-workers into this? Absolutely, but consider them necessary casualties of war. After all, your eavesdropper will definitely think twice about repeating anything <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you</i> say again now that your rumors have proved to be unreliable. Your co-workers will bounce back from the incident sooner rather than later anyway because the rumor you instigated was a blatant lie. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Ignite the fear of god in your enemy. This should only be used as a last resort because you don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you’re reported to Human Resources for “creating a hostile work environment.” That never ends pretty. Approach the eavesdropper in a secluded location of the office and before doing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anything</i>, make sure that there are no witnesses to corroborate the eavesdropper’s story. Under no circumstances should you put your hands on him/her. You may leave marks on their person, which provides them with the evidence that they’ll need to report your ass to higher authorities. In case you couldn’t tell, that would be a bad thing. However <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> make the eavesdropper think that you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">would</i> put your hands on him/her if the need arose. Your threat should be terrifying and convincing enough to make the eavesdropper think that spreading your dirty laundry is not worth the physical pain that you’d deal them as punishment. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Just remember, the CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. are a mere <a href="mailto:makoservicesinc@gmail.com">email</a> away if you feel that you’ve exhausted all of your resources in dealing with the eavesdropper(s). For a small fee, we’ll be more than happy to handle the situation on your behalf. It’ll be like they never existed. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-46425914077005587532011-03-17T07:30:00.000-07:002011-07-19T11:02:34.789-07:00Okay, People. Time to Prepare for the Arrival of SkyNetIt's come quite clear to us that you'll be needing this <a href="http://makoservicesinc.blogspot.com/2011/01/tip-10-how-to-survive-when-stalked-by.html">survival tip</a> sooner than originally anticipated because humans are incredibly dense. According to this <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110317/ap_on_sc/us_space_robot">article</a> (which was brought to our attention by a Mako Services, Inc. devoted follower), the brainiacs at NASA invented a humanoid robot they've "cleverly" dubbed "Robonaut" that will be sent into space. Apparently Robonaut even has a Twitter account, which made us throw up a little in our mouths. It might be fun and games now, but just wait until a robot speaking in broken English and looks like Arnold Scwarzenegger arrives at your front door asking questions about Sarah Connor. Be as accommodating as possible, but it won't really matter. That conversation is going to end with a bullet in your head. <br />
<br />
Awesome job, NASA. The destruction of the human race is just around the corner. Keep up the good work.Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-84575530409698189152011-02-16T16:56:00.000-08:002011-07-19T11:02:15.083-07:00Tip #11: When You Truly Hate Your Job<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">There are people in this world who actually get a sense of joy and satisfaction out of their occupations. These individuals are typically doctors, lawyers, marine biologists (basically professionals who’ve had to work extremely hard and earn multiple degrees in order to achieve success in their particular field), or simpletons that don’t realize they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should</i> hate themselves and their situation. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Some people simply view their occupation as a source of income. Sometimes it’s enjoyable and at other times, misery inducing. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">However, there is a third category of employees. Those whose very blood is saturated with utter contempt for their co-workers, department “vision” or “mission,” authority figures, and day-to-day job functions…and usually not without good reason. It should go without saying that any job that conjures this type of involuntary production of venom in an individual should be left for greener pastures (unless of course, you are a species of venomous reptile. In that case, involuntary production of venom is perfectly natural), however here at Mako Services, Inc., we understand that this is not always an easy task to accomplish. Not only is it not easy, but actively pursuing completion of this task is often time consuming and frustrating. In the meantime, you’re forced to continue your service to the evil higher power currently stripping away your dreams, hopes, happiness, and soul. We know just how debilitating this can be for creative and thoughtful geniuses such as ourselves. That is why we’ve created a list of helpful tips to get you through these troubling times until you’re able to find your exit. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;"><br />
</div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">No matter how bleak things start to look, continue to prostitute your resume on online forums such as Monster and CareerBuilder. In fact, we recommend that you continue doing so during office hours. It’ll be a fantastic and productive way to pass your time spent in purgatory and let’s be rational here. Quitting will only prolong your enslavement, allowing it to slowly eat away any self-respect that you may have for yourself along with your drive to exist. Just be sure to minimize your screen when any of those assholes you work with walk by. You don’t want to get in any trouble. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Stick to your headphones like a bee drawn to honey. It should go without saying that conversing with your dreaded co-workers will only add to your despair, which is why headphones are of such great assistance. With your headphones on, it’s completely acceptable to ignore everyone around you because they think you can’t hear them over your music. Therefore when people spot those headphones, unless it’s absolutely necessary for them to speak with you, they’ll simply bypass your desk. The great thing about this tactic is that you don’t even really need to be listening to music. You only need to create the illusion that you are. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Keep a bottle of liquor in the bottom of your desk drawers, preferably hidden beneath a lot of work files so that none of the thieving assholes in your department “accidentally” discover it. There’s a reason why people frequently turn to drugs and alcohol when they’re feeling down. These substances temporarily numb any pain that you may be experiencing all the while making you feel great, wonderful, and like everybody loves you. Of course, this only works in moderation. Becoming shit-faced on the job is not the solution as it will lead to you engaging in one or more of the following activities: passing out on your desk and drooling on any papers and/or the computer keyboard, stumbling around the office and knocking over a lot of expensive item (such as the laminator), sending mass emails about how much you hate this place and everyone in it, and/or peeing openly somewhere in the office in front of all your colleagues…like the conference room…during a staff meeting. However, a nip from the bottle here and there will definitely help you get through your day as painlessly as possible. Note: adopting this strategy does <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> make you an alcoholic. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">We know that you may feel like bringing a semi-automatic weapon into the office and unleashing all of your anger and frustration out on your simple-minded co-workers is a good idea. We understand. To be quite frank, they’d probably deserve it, but unfortunately you can’t do that because for some reason, our country’s laws forbid you from taking such action. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Due to the inexplicable unaccommodating nature of this nation’s legal system, it is in your best interest to release your anger and frustration in the most stealth way possible. Hire a “consultant” and be sure to take a vacation day on the day your office is scheduled for “spring cleaning.” </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Remember, our dear little wretched creature, do not give up the good fight. One day, hopefully soon, you’ll find something better and then you can blow your current taco stand with two middle fingers extended toward the sky. Afterwards, you can enlist us to return to the scene of your grief in order to “handle” things on your behalf. Please keep in mind that we will require a deposit. Review examples of our <a href="http://makoservicesinc.blogspot.com/p/services-agreement.html">Services Agreement</a> and <a href="http://makoservicesinc.blogspot.com/p/confidentiality-agreement.html">Confidentiality Agreement</a> for further information. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-57871554626108030152011-01-25T09:03:00.000-08:002011-07-19T11:01:22.993-07:00Tip #10: How to Survive When Stalked by a Terminator<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Let’s face it. You’re pretty much screwed if you find yourself in this situation, unless you can outrun bullets or stop their trajectory with your mind. If that’s the case, you might want to consider registering for classes at Charles Xavier’s School for the Gifted. However, if, like majority of the human race, you aren’t blessed with really cool super powers, there <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i> strategies you can adopt that will increase your likelihood of survival as proven by John Connor’s success. For those living under a rock somewhere in the <place w:st="on">Arctic</place>, John Connor is the leader of the Resistance and if you had to ask that question, you have bigger problems than a Terminator being stuck to you like white on rice.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;"><br />
</div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Just like joining the Witness Protection Program, you will need to assume a new identity. A Terminator will already be programmed to know your full name and to use whatever means necessary to track you down. Abandon the house, ditch the cell phone and car, clean out your bank account (you need as much cash as possible since it’s now become a matter of life and death that you cease using your credit cards), steal a car (or buy one…with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">cash</i>…stealing is cheaper), cut ties with anyone you care about, and get the hell out of Dodge. This prospect may sadden you, but it’s better than being dead. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Based on hours of researching <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terminator</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terminator 2: Judgment Day</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terminator 4: Salvation</i>, and both seasons of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sarah Connor Chronicles</i> television series, it has become clear that the T-800 series machines (standard metal Terminators disguised to appear human) can not swim. They sink. Unfortunately, this does not mean they sink to the bottom of the ocean and remain there like the Titanic. However, in the time it will take the T-800 to walk to the nearest body of land, you will have swum far away from the danger. We recommend that you either move to an island or live the rest of your days on a boat in the middle of nowhere. Of course, this opens you up to the possibility of having to contend with shark infested waters, but you’ll have to decide which of these ordeals is the lesser of the two evils. It should be noted that if Skynet sends a T-1000 series machine (a liquid metal Terminator as seen in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Judgment Day</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sarah Connor Chronicles</i>) to terminate your ass, water environments will not be of assistance since that model is already a liquefied mass. Tough luck. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Do not engage the Terminator unless absolutely necessary. You will lose. We’re not being pessimistic. We’re being realistic. You’re small, weak, and pathetic. You cannot defeat a Terminator in a hand to hand fight. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">If</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"> an altercation becomes unavoidable, you must defuse the Terminator as quickly as possible. With each passing minute that you engage in direct combat with a Terminator, the chances of your survival decrease. This does not mean that you should blindly fire bullets in the general direction of the Terminator. Not only will you look like an asshole, but that kind of behavior will most definitely lead to your quick death. In the case of a T-800, disengaging its chip is the most effective method of defeating it. Rendering the machine’s arms useless so that you’re able to get close enough to remove the chip yourself is the most obvious choice (for example, pin its body between the front end of your pick up truck and the cement foundation of a building). Carefully aimed bullet shots to the skull can also dislodge the chip. Once removed, it is vital that you destroy the chip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Note: a T-1000 cannot be defeated in this manner. See Rule #5 for more details. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">If you have the misfortune of being targeted by a T-1000, move to a location known for its active volcanoes. The only way to disassociate a T-1000’s molecular structure is to burn it at a temperature that you’re unable to generate on your own accord unless you’re Scott Summers (aka: Cyclops). This is where an active volcano comes in handy. Sneak up behind the T-1000 like a stealth ninja and push it into the boiling lava. Freezing your potential assassin will <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> destroy it. While it does give you the opportunity to get away for the time being, the T-1000 only remains dormant in its frozen state. One good heat wave will put it back on the prowl. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Being paranoid will keep you alive. The T-800’s can mimic the voice of anyone you’ve ever known. When receiving a call, you must confirm the voice at the other end really belongs to who they say they are. Ask specific questions. If this is an ex-lover, quiz them on what your favorite sexual positions are. Your friends and associates may think you’re crazy, but “better crazy than dead,” we always say. T-1000’s are infinitely trickier as they can assume the voice <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> physical identity of anyone they please. Again, trust no one, ask a lot of specific questions, and keep your distance until identity is confirmed or run the risk being stabbed in the face by an arm morphing into a blade. Always, always be prepared to run like hell. Right now, you might be saying, “But CEO’s, I thought I cut ties with everyone when I got the hell out of Dodge. How then will a Terminator be able to use this ploy against me?” You’re absolutely right. That is precisely what you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should’ve</i> done, but how many of you actually did that? We’ll bet that while a small band of people truly followed instructions, a good portion of you didn’t cut ties completely. The rest of you idiots probably kept your cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, and email accounts active. Hence, we present you with Rule #6. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">In the future, it is advised that you get in good with John Connor because he has the authority and resources to send what the Resistance fighters call a “scrubbed” (we call it, “reprogrammed”) Terminator back in time to protect you. It is imperative that you either become his BFF or an invaluable asset to the Resistance. Connor needs to care enough about your existence that he’d be motivated to send you a mechanical bodyguard from the future. Think logically. In <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terminator</i>, he sends Kyle Reese, a trusted soldier (who also turns out to be his father), to protect his mother, Sarah Connor. In <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Judgment Day</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Rise of the Machines</i>, and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sarah Connor Chronicles</i>, he sends several “scrubbed” T-800’s to protect his younger self (and other assorted family members). As you can see he’s only used this technology to protect what’s most dear to him. You need to become as important to him as family or else you’re shit out of luck. If you’re female, we recommend manipulating Connor into knocking you up with his love child. Remember, this is a matter of life and death. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Keep up the good fight, future Resistance fighters and never forget this piece of advice: if a Terminator shows up at your door with the request, “Come with me if you want to live,” you should probably listen. Terminators are programmed with specific missions (for example: Terminate John Connor), so if the machine hasn’t attempted to kill you on sight, you can rest assured that you’re probably golden. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-61240710548224831802011-01-20T12:58:00.000-08:002011-07-19T11:00:19.974-07:00Mako Services, Inc. Lives Every Week Like It's Shark WeekAccording to the World Wildlife Fund, the CEO's Inner Animal is the mighty Great White Shark! <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWX4FhO0czRCnMIv-3psttBarDhU-K61aqTm5MkJruaM5rNUVawe98q29PXMd7aHf3CrkjCtzdoy-JwEQmsHFZF1thjBdftTc4P_RuYccxr42ry6KTyUxWwxlFoLd6O7DVlMnH068ELL_v/s1600/0120111527.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWX4FhO0czRCnMIv-3psttBarDhU-K61aqTm5MkJruaM5rNUVawe98q29PXMd7aHf3CrkjCtzdoy-JwEQmsHFZF1thjBdftTc4P_RuYccxr42ry6KTyUxWwxlFoLd6O7DVlMnH068ELL_v/s320/0120111527.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>While it's obvious that you miscreants can't possibly qualify to be as powerful and majestic as the CEO's, we're still interested to see what insignificant peons exist in our orbit. Take this <a href="http://www.worldwildlife.org/inner-animal/inner-animal.html">quiz</a> and publish your Inner Animal results to this blog post via the "Comments" feature. For those too sissy to publicly share your results, you may publish your comment anonymously or send an <a href="mailto:makoservicesinc@gmail.com">email</a>.Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-92054467576034509532011-01-10T12:00:00.001-08:002011-07-19T10:59:09.976-07:00Tip #9: How to Reclaim Your Bed from Your Partner<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">The whole purpose in dating someone is to see if they’re someone you’d like to spend the rest of your life with in an underground bunker when the world ends. Typically, if you’re happy in your current state, you take the relationship to the next level, and so forth until you either marry the individual, become “life partners,” or “dispose” of them. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Regardless of how happy you are there comes a time in a relationship when you’re not quite ready to murder your partner yet, but you’d still like a little space. Whether you live with the person or participate in regular “slumber parties,” reclaiming your bed is a simple way to gain this desired space. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Sleep in your shared bed as a dog would. Stretch out along the foot of the bed and spread out as if you’re a giant Great Dane. Bonus points for digging a foot into his/her lower back and sporadically kicking throughout the night while you “dream.” When he/she attempts to move you, make your body as limp as possible so that it’s extremely difficult for him/her. If he/she continues, bite him/her and follow it up with a low snarling sound. Just like sleeping with a dog, he/she will have to evaluate whether to put up with this or leave the bed to you. While most people will tolerate the dog (or cat) because they’re cute, cuddly, lovable, and don’t know any better, it’s unlikely that people are willing to put up with this kind of crap from a human. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">While in bed with your partner, hold a pillow down on his/her face. When he/she struggles (and yes, he/she <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will</i> struggle. You are cutting off their flow of oxygen and the instinct to survive will kick in), sigh irritably and say simply, “You’re making this a lot harder than it has to be.” Eventually, your partner will say something desperate like, “I can’t breathe.” Laugh hysterically and cry jubilantly, “I know!” Of course, since you’re only trying to get your bed back, you’ll have to remove the pillow at some point so that you don’t kill your partner (unless that’s your end goal. In that case, proceed with the suffocation process). This type of behavior will frighten your partner and cause them to question whether or not it’s really safe to share a bed with you. <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Mission</place></city> accomplished. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Snore loudly and incessantly. Ignore any protestations coming from your bedmate. Eventually, the sounds emanating from the back of your throat will become so annoying that he/she will vacate the bed and relocate to the guest room or couch. Score.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Eat in bed. Be sure to chow down on foods that leave an abundant supply of crumbs behind in its wake. While you may find this concept somewhat revolting, it is a necessary evil to secure a night of solitude. The irritating feel of crumbs rubbing against the skin of your man/woman will anger and disgust him/her enough to prompt them to leave. Change sheets only when you’re ready to relinquish your space again. To make it seem like you care for the needs of your man/woman, lie and apologize for being so clumsy, sloppy, irresponsible, etc. Say or do whatever you need to in order to get that person to quit bitching and come back…at the very least to quit bitching. Who really cares if they come back? </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Drink heavily and pass out face down in starfish pose in the middle of the bed so that your partner has no choice but to sleep elsewhere. Yes, your hangover in the morning will be a slight inconvenience, but the upside of this is the fact that you’ve slept alone in your bed for the first time in weeks! Congrats! Well worth it, we say! There is potential for your partner to give you the silent treatment as a result of your actions, but that’s pretty positive if you ask us. Not only did you get your bed all to yourself, but now you have peace and quiet. Good job! </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Drooling is also often effective and we’re not just talking about a little spittle here. Gather enough saliva in your mouth so that it’s actually uncomfortable for you to hold it any longer. Once you’ve generated an ample amount, roll over, nestle up to your target, and simply open your mouth so that it oozes from your lips onto its destination. Voila! We assure you that no one will want to remain there no matter how much you “apologize” for the incident. Note: it’s extra annoying if when you roll over, you hook your arm around that person so that they have trouble moving away from the atrocity dribbling from your mouth. Extra points for being able to cough up some phlegm for that saliva bomb. Plus, it gives you the added excuse, “I’m sorry. I’m sick. *cough, cough*” </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">As you can see, manipulating the situation can earn you a night’s solo rest and the space necessary for you to survive your relationship. If you feel that this is not enough space for you, perhaps you should reconsider this whole relationship thing and find a hobby more suitable to loners such as yourself…like solitaire or gun cleaning. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-91700908530476937522011-01-07T20:58:00.000-08:002011-07-19T10:53:04.286-07:00Tip #8: Partying with Ewoks<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">They may be adorable furry little creatures, but rest assured that Ewoks can do some serious damage if provoked. Those of you who’ve witnessed the genius of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Return of the Jedi</i> know what we’re talking about. In addition to their ability to adequately defend their homeland, Ewoks know how to throw a party. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Animal House</i> learned all that they knew from the Ewoks. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Damn</i>. <em>I</em> wanna party like they do on Endor. That is the shizzle!” Well, you can, but not without heeding these words of wisdom:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Never abruptly take off your hat or helmet in the presence of an Ewok. It makes them uneasy and it might prompt them to stab you with their spear. For starters, they don’t know what a hat or helmet is. They don’t wear them. When you’re that small, any foreign object is initially going to make you wary. Secondly, you’re not trustworthy. Therefore, any sudden movements on your part is going to cause an Ewok to go ape shit and that’s how you end up stabbed. To put things into perspective for you, an Ewok nearly stabbed Princess Leia for pete’s sake and you’re nothing in comparison to Leia! </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Learn basic Ewokese. That way, when an Ewok tells you to, “Akeeta,” you friggin’ listen! There’s a reason that Ewok is issuing you an order. The species did not survive battling The Empire on sheer luck. The Marines’ basic training course consists of warfare tactics created and perfected by the Ewoks! Think about that. Furthermore, if you hear a pair of Ewoks speak the word, “</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">E s'eesht” and eye you warily, run, do not walk, away from the scene about to unfold. It means, “kill” and no good can come of that for you. This is where having an understanding of Ewokese will be beneficial to you. Not only will you be aware of the fact that an Ewok “hit” is about to be committed against you, but you can also take proper measures to pacify the aggressors. Perhaps impress them with the word, “Jeerota” (friend) while pointing to yourself. The fact that you’re able to communicate with them may be the key to a stay of execution. We can’t always be there to tell you when an Ewok is about to murder you or how to fix things! You must learn to take care of yourself if you mean to survive…actually, now that we think about it, this policy should really be applied to all cultures across the board. We recommend that you stock up on as many Rosetta Stone programs as you possibly can in order to truly cover your ass. Not only could it save your life, but an advanced knowledge of linguistics will open dozens of doors for a new career in the “trade” industry! It’s a win-win. </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";"></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Get a good night’s sleep. If you’re going to party with the Ewoks, you need to have stamina. These little furry f*ckers put all-nighters to shame. Be prepared to participate in celebrations lasting several days and consist of dancing, feasting, and imbibing alcohol (do you not recall the party at the end of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Return of the Jedi</i>? That shit was no joke). Don’t for one second believe that you can catch a quick cat nap in a secluded hut without getting busted. Ewoks are stealth like Steven Segal. They will find you and they will punish you for your indiscretion (they’ll most likely try to roast you over an open flame like Han Solo and Luke before C3PO stepped in and saved the day). If you can’t play with the big boys, stay on the bench. </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";"></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">Start building up your alcohol tolerance now. </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">If you’re a pansy bitch who pukes on the first night of partying, they’ll never respect you. Get your shit together. No self-respecting Ewok pukes on the first night. At the very least, wait until the third night. Plus, no one likes a lightweight. If you’re the type of person who gets tipsy off of one drink, do us all a favor. Stay home and stick to your one glass of wine with dinner. There’s no room for you at Chateau Ewok. Before you claim that there isn’t any evidence to support this statement, we assure you that there has to be some element of truth here. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We</i> hate drinking with pansy bitches and therefore Ewoks must feel the same way because they’re very logical, if slightly paranoid creatures. </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";"></span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif";">If, after reading these helpful bits of information, you feel confident that you’re willing and able to party Endor-style, then by all means, rock on with your bad self! However, do not be ashamed to admit that you’re a mere fledgling in the grand scheme of fiestas. Don’t get us wrong. You’re still a bitch, but at least you’re admitting it and that kind of self-awareness can save your life…not the amount of respect that society will extend your way, but in any case, you do get life. However pathetic and meager it may be, your heart still beats and you’re able to breathe. Congratulations. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-32944196697267728812011-01-05T09:39:00.000-08:002011-07-19T10:51:47.242-07:00Wanted – Human Resources Specialist<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">Seeking an individual with minimum 3 years experience working in a corporate Human Resources environment. Responsible for the management of all Mako Services, Inc.’s personnel-related tasks, including benefit packages, payroll, talent acquisition, and employee activities designed to “boost employee morale,” such as the annual Mako Services, Inc. Employee BBQ. Preparation and posting of any open positions, applicant screenings, coordination of candidate interviews, and when necessary, initiation of the Unacceptable Candidate Elimination (UCE) protocol are also important aspects of the Human Resources Specialist role. This position requires the individual to work closely and often collaboratively with the CEO’s and Financial Specialist. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">Must be able to work discreetly and quickly in an oftentimes high-stress and chaotic environment. Proficient knowledge of Microsoft Office, especially Excel, and a college degree are required. This is strictly an office job. A US Passport is not required nor are any special self-defense skills. You will be provided with a whistle to utilize to summon assistance from an actual trained employee if you feel that you are threatened at any time during office hours. Excellent baking skills are a plus. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">To request application, please send an <a href="mailto:makoservicesinc@gmail.com">email</a> containing your contact information and one will be sent promptly. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-31437887641134734142010-12-29T10:09:00.000-08:002011-07-19T07:16:22.074-07:00Tip #7: A Traveler’s Guide to Mordor<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">By now, it’s nearly impossible to find an individual who hasn’t seen any of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lord of the Rings</i> movies, read the books, or at the very least has some familiarity with the concept and/or characters. However, what you may not know is that Middle Earth really does exist and Frodo Baggins is a complete idiot. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">We have no doubt that most of you will be eager to explore the secrets of Rivendale, the charm of The Shire, and the glory of Gondor, but will you give no thought to Mordor? Yes, that’s right! You too can visit the fiery splendor that is Mordor provided you’re capable of walking without assistance over an extended period of time and great distance, under the age of 70, not pregnant and/or suffering from any heart conditions! The consistent black smoke of the region does prompt the Mordor Embassy to advise those with asthma and/or small children to avoid the excursion, but it’s not prohibited. In addition, you should journey to Mordor without following in the steps of Frodo since he clearly is the King of Poor Decisions. Below, we have detailed all of the information you’ll need to know before beginning your trip to Mordor. </span></div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">A tour guide is strongly encouraged, especially if it’s your first time experiencing what Middle Earth has to offer. However, before hiring a guide, please do your research. Frodo allowed a deranged, schizophrenic, and mutated hobbit to assist him in his journey and look how that ended up. Not only did that nut job try to kill him by leading him into Shelob’s Lair, but he also bit Frodo’s finger off. What the hell kind of tour guide does shit like that? If Frodo had only listened to reason (aka: Samwise Gamgee), he would not have been in a predicament like that. A good rule of thumb is that if your tour guide arrives and he/she is creepy, skulking, hardly wearing any clothes, has big bug eyes, bad teeth, and mere wisps for hair, WALK AWAY. He/she <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">might</i> be a very nice person, but the odds are good that he/she isn’t, so why risk it?</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">While Mordor can be very exciting, like any other major city, it has its areas that should be avoided. For example, Shelob’s Lair. In fact, unless you have an intense spider fetish, that whole trail to the Lair through the High Pass of Cirith Ungol should be avoided. For starters, the path takes you past Minas Morgul, the home of the Witchking (Lord of the Nazgûl) and it’s completely terrifying. We’re trained specialists and we want nothing to do with that place. Secondly, in order to reach the Lair, you have to climb the face of a steep mountain using the Winding Stair, a “staircase” that could not possibly have passed fire code (and needless to say, is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> handicapped-friendly). Is it worth it? Other locations that fall into this category are Barad-dûr, the large black tower in the center of Mordor that houses the Eye of Sauron, and the Dead Marshes. Barad-dûr should be self-explanatory (and if it isn’t, you’re a moron and should not even be considering a highly intelligent trip such as this), but we know what you’re going to say. The Dead Marshes sound <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">super</i> exciting considering the history of the place, most notably, being a section of where the Battle of Dagorlad took place (for those of you ignorant, the Battle of Daglorlad was when the Last Alliance combated the forces of Mordor and during which Isildur cut the Ring of Power from Sauron’s finger). Surely the marshes can’t be so bad? You just want to take a few pictures to show the folks back at home. Trust us. This kind of attitude is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mistake</i>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s true that several battles were fought at or near this location, making the Dead Marshes a site to be salivated over by history fanatics. The problem lies in the fact that following the Battle of Dagorlad, no one bothered to clean up the carnage and as the marshland encroached upon parts of the battlefield during the following years, the dead became engulfed by it, creating what is now known as the Dead Marshes. You still may think that this sounds utterly fascinating (ooooh, I’ve never seen a watery, swampy cemetery before!) and while we might agree with you on that notion, we assure you that it’s not fascinating enough to risk your life to see. It is said that those who become hypnotized by the dancing lights beneath the water’s surface (Gollum referred to them as the “candles of corpses”) and attempt to touch the bodies, drown in the water and join the dead. Not very pleasant sounding, is it? When Gollum guided Frodo and Sam through the Dead Marshes in the <place w:st="on"><placename w:st="on"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Two</i></placename><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <placetype w:st="on">Towers</placetype></i></place>, Frodo lollygagged (as he tended to do) and became entranced by these lights and dead faces. Of course, because he is the King of Poor Decisions, Frodo tried to touch one of the faces before Sam stopped him. Had he succeeded, Frodo never would’ve made it to <place w:st="on"><placetype w:st="on">Mount</placetype> <placename w:st="on">Doom</placename></place> in order to destroy the Ring of Power and we’d still have a Dark Lord running amuck. Do you see why this might be a problem?</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t see any of the battle location. The Dead Marshes only encompass a small portion of the battlefield. The principle site of the fighting was the Gorgoroth Plains. Now used as grounds for Orc revelry, it is currently a grey wasteland. It may not be sexy, but it still holds immense historical value without having to deal with the creepy dead lights and swampland. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Other sites of interest include the Black Gate, which is the main entrance to Mordor and one of the region’s more recognizable attractions, and <place w:st="on"><placetype w:st="on">Mount</placetype> <placename w:st="on">Doom</placename></place>, the origin of the Ring of Power and source of its destruction. Just a bit of advice though? <place w:st="on"><placetype w:st="on">Mount</placetype> <placename w:st="on">Doom</placename></place> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> a tad volatile and steamy; therefore you should be prepared with warm weather clothing and ample amounts of SPF and able to run quickly and over long distances at a moment’s notice. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">We do hope that you enjoy your stay in Middle Earth and your visit to Mordor. Taking the proper precautions will ensure that you’ll not only have an amazing experience, but that you’ll survive it as well. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-31672318474765455462010-12-16T12:52:00.001-08:002011-07-19T07:03:43.460-07:00Tip #6: How to Survive/Win an Office Holiday Decorating Contest<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">If you work in the corporate environment, you’ve been forced to participate in some form of holiday activity whether it was a party, luncheon, Secret Santa gift exchange, or decorating contest. Prior to forming Mako Services, Inc., the CEO’s suffered from having plenty of experience in each of these arenas, all at the hands of the same office. You actually have to wonder how anyone managed to complete their work with all of this holiday hoopla going around. On many occasions, the brunt of the activity planning and executing fell to us. You get abused in this aspect often enough and you start developing a rebellious nature. You start completing these tasks because if you don’t, you’ll be penalized, but you do so with flair of your own style, taste, and passion. You <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">need</i> this kind of attitude in order to survive or else you’ll wind up a miserable minion. In fact, even though you may meet resistance at first, you’ll find that your cohorts will catch your fresh and new energies like pink eye and submit to it. This resurgence among your teammates of joy and excitement over the unknown will prompt them to follow you anywhere, even through the mists of Avalon or fiery pits of Mordor. Bearing this in mind, listen to our advice and you will conquer not just the decorating contest, but the entire office as well. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">It helps if you have some sort of creative artist-type working on your decorating team. Hopefully, you’re that person so that you can control the entire operation and simply dictate the tasks and responsibilities of each person. A creative artist-type person has a very different mind than a technical person. They have vision and know exactly what to do and how to do it in order to see this vision come to fruition. If you’ve got an entire team of technical people working together without any sort of imagination, you’re doomed to a theme of well-executed boredom. At the pinnacle of our power held at this office, we chose “A Hogwarts Holiday.” A Hogwarts Holiday could encompass all holidays since it’s generic (even though the books and movies only dealt with Christmas), making us the only politically correct team in the entire department.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Once you’ve got an innovative and reasonable (meaning that in the time allotted and with the supplies and resources available, you’re actually able to believably accomplish it) theme, you must commit<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>to it like you’d commit to a lover. Hold it, nurture it, caress it, support it, be one with it. Think about how you can transform your assigned space, literally every nook, bookshelf, column, and doorway, into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">becoming</i> your theme. We divided our blocks of cubicles into the Hogwarts’ Houses (Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw) and designated each office a Hogwarts Professor. It was up to the cubicle and office inhabitants to do what they needed to in order to embrace their house/persona. The Hufflepuff crew all wore paper yellow and black neckties adorned with the house crest. Dolores Umbridge’s office was papered with all of her Educational Decrees. These are the types of things you need to think about.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Once the base of your canvas is complete, it’s time to add the details. Looking around the space, one could clearly see that they were standing in Hogwarts simply by looking at the house banners and professors’ offices, but what made it special? We researched the different kinds of textbooks that students at Hogwarts might have been forced to use, created book covers with these titles, wrapped already existing books in these covers, and left them scattered around the multiple filing cabinets in the office. Additionally, we covered the entrance door in brick paper and hung a sign that said, “Hogwarts Express 9 ¾.” On the other side of the door, we posted a hand drawn picture of the Hogwarts Express, the train that transports the students to Hogwarts each year. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Make it fun for your judges to “judge” your space. Observing the decorations is one thing, but participating in it brings the experience to a whole new level. If you’re having an Irish Christmas, why not serve Irish Soda Bread and Bailey’s (trust us, a little booze won’t get you in trouble and it’ll be much appreciated)? We instigated a little competition among the judges and declared that whoever found the most hidden Dobby’s would win the Goblet of Fire. Unfortunately, this prompted a few of the mentally handicapped judges to ask what was in the Goblet of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fire</i>, but you get the picture… <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Finally, if you’re still not feeling confident about victory, wait until everyone goes home the evening before judging and ransack the other sections’ decorations. It’s important not to just destroy the decorations, but to remove them entirely as if they’d never been there to begin with. Besides, if you put as much energy into your theme as we did, there’s no way you can lose so if you actually do lose, it’s obviously a rigged competition. If that’s the case, what’s the harm in vanquishing your lying, cheating enemies via destruction? </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">In the rare circumstance in which the contest <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> fixed or another team legitimately outdoes you, know that if you adhered to our policy, you’ll be congratulated on your originality and dedication. We’re obliged to forewarn you that you should in no way assume that this guarantees that you’ll get a pay raise. At least rest assured that when you walk the halls of your office, you’ll now be looked at with an awe that stems from the knowledge that lying beneath your peaceful corporate exterior is a dormant artistic storm that is not to be trifled with. In our case, we have wands and absolutely no problem “Expecto Patronum-ing” your ass into another universe. How does the Bog of Eternal Stench sound to you? </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-72576522898051081522010-12-15T07:24:00.001-08:002011-07-19T06:49:12.632-07:00Tip #5: How to Alienate Your Co-Workers<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Let’s face it. You’re not always going to like your peers. In fact, more likely than not, in a work environment, you’ll be surrounded by an inordinate amount of people whose very existence make you want to blow up a building. We understand these feelings entirely, which is why we operate our own, extremely lucrative, yet selective corporation. If you want to survive in the workplace while maintaining a high level of sanity, you’re going to need the “problem” co-workers to leave you alone whenever possible. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">There is a 100% success rate when the practices detailed below are implemented by working in teams of at least two people, but no more than four. As they say, too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth. When working solo, the success rate drops by approximately 25%. It is important <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> to deploy any of these methods when a superior is in the vicinity. You want to alienate your peers, not get fired. </span></div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">When creating your Operation Alienation team, it is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">vital</i> that you select only people that you can trust. One renegade individual seeking only personal glory could spoil the venture for everyone. You need discreet and trustworthy individuals that you can rely on to get the necessary tasks accomplished quickly and effectively. It sometimes helps to choose people about whom you already have information of a certain nature. Having something over a person’s head grants you the power in the relationship and allows you to manipulate the situation to your benefit. If working alone, bypass this rule altogether and proceed to remainder of the rules.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Tell your co-workers that you can communicate using the Jedi Mind Trick. You don’t need to prove that you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can</i> use the Jedi Mind Trick. You only need to convince them that you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">think</i> you can. This is where having a partner in crime (PIC) works to your benefit. Once you notify your peers of your “powers,” make sure that they witness you and your PIC staring at each other for an extended period of time. Mix in a few head nods and bursts of laughter. It will either seem like the two of you really are in the midst of a silent conversation <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">or</i> that you’re insane, both options being very effective in freaking out your co-workers.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Read up on venomous snake species. Familiarize yourself enough with the world’s top 5 deadliest that you could pass to an Average Joe as a connoisseur on the subject. For several weeks, drop random comments that hint at this passion. You might want to even go so far as to mention a fictitious “collection” of species in a specially customized room that you built in your home. Again, a PIC comes in handy because they’re able to confirm all of this information if asked. Finally, when someone does something to piss you off or refuses to do what you’ve asked, look the person in the eye and in a low, even voice (don’t overdo the sinister tone because it will only succeed in making you look like a caricature of a comic book villain) say, “I’m going to leave a King Cobra (or whatever your favorite venomous snake is) in your office tonight. Then you’ll be sorry.” Before they can react or reply, calmly walk away. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">With your PIC, loudly and fervently discuss in a high-traffic location where and when you’re going to set up an outdoor knife-throwing range. Specifically mention that once you perfect your ninja star throwing abilities, you’re going to graduate to sub-machine guns and rocket launchers. Your PIC should react as if he/she has just won the lottery and express enthusiasm for joining you in this endeavor. If operating alone, simply have this conversation with yourself aloud. Bonus points if you’re able to act the roles of both you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> the PIC convincingly. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">If your workspace is a cubicle, change your cell phone’s ring tone to something extremely annoying like high-pitched mewling sound or “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer. Turn the volume as high as it can go. Leave your desk. Call your cell phone from another location repeatedly for at least 15 minutes without any break. Do this <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">at least</i> once a day. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Carry a little notebook that only a 7 year old girl would like to all of your meetings. Bonus points if it comes with a tiny lock that is so feeble-looking that a monkey could break into it. Scribble notes in it throughout the meeting, but don’t allow anyone to look over your shoulder. Call this book your secret diary. Openly “hide” it by taping it to the underside of your desk chair and act like no one knows of its secret location.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Tell people that you’re bilingual. When they ask what other language speak, tell them Ewok. When they look at you with doubt, whisper, “Akeeata” and then state in a normal tone of voice, “means ‘listen.’” When someone walks into the kitchen as you’re talking to your PIC, start speaking in Ewok as if the topic you’re discussing is private. Blatantly revert back to English as the person leaves. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Whenever possible, run through the office, making as much noise as possible, even if you’re only going to a nearby printer. You can accomplish this by slamming your foot down ungracefully with each step. Refrain from screaming as it is most likely that your boss will notice that behavior and disapprove. They can’t write you up for “heavy footsteps.” </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Eat other people’s lunches that have been left in the fridge. Be sure not to get caught because this behavior will get you into trouble, but make it obvious enough that your peers suspect that it’s you. Bonus points for taking bites out of a sandwich or dish and putting the rest back. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Practicing these rules should be done with caution. Only the strongest have the will power to pull them off. You must be able to tolerate being the most hated individual in the department. Accept that you’ll never be invited to happy hours or other social gatherings. Know that no one in the office will ever want to have a fling with you. If you can handle this without any sort of pansy crying, bitching, or moaning, then proceed. Otherwise, you need to just suck up the fact that you’re in for a miserable career ahead of you. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-39011976341051663112010-11-09T13:17:00.000-08:002011-07-19T06:47:02.736-07:00How Ready Are You?You may recall the invaluable <a href="http://makoservicesinc.blogspot.com/2010/09/tip-1-what-to-do-when-approached-by.html">education</a> that we recently provided to you regarding surviving a chance encounter with a velociraptor. We hope that you paid close attention. In fact, we hope that you've been practicing your survival techniques because we've discovered a highly intelligent being who created an online quiz that will put your velociraptor survival instincts to the test. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://theoatmeal.com/quiz/velociraptor_bed">Take the Test</a><br />
<br />
As students and/or potential employees of Mako Services, Inc., it's imperative that you be prepared for any situation that may arise during the course of duty (or your day-to-day life). Therefore, we strongly advise you to take this quiz and send the results of your quiz <a href="mailto:makoservicesinc@gmail.com">here</a> so that we may assess your mental, emotional, and physical fitness levels. Do not lie or there will be serious repercussions. Good luck, young padawans.Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-60103080848894485272010-10-21T12:48:00.000-07:002011-07-19T06:45:42.283-07:00Wanted – Contract Specialist<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">Seeking an individual with excellent problem-solving skills and an extensive knowledge of international commerce regulations and capable of handling issues of a sensitive and confidential nature quickly and discreetly. Responsible for negotiating, maintaining, and tracking all contracts generated on behalf of Mako Services, Inc., acting as a liaison between Mako Services, Inc., the consumer, and any necessary outsourcing companies or vendors, and upholding quality business relations with clientele, vendors, and outsourcing companies. Expected to transition focus between Mako Services, Inc.’s client-based cases and the company’s varying entrepreneurial efforts rapidly and seamlessly at a moment’s notice depending on the needs and wants of the CEO’s. This position requires the individual to work closely and often collaboratively with the Financial Specialist. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">Must be able to work in an oftentimes high-stress and chaotic environment. Proficient knowledge of Microsoft Office and a college degree are required. Knowledge of basic self-defense tactics and possession of a <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">US</place></country-region> passport are a plus. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">To request application, please send an <a href="mailto:makoservicesinc@gmail.com">email</a> containing your contact information and one will be sent promptly. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-8905634230429789192010-10-21T12:31:00.001-07:002011-07-19T06:45:02.539-07:00Wanted – Financial Specialist<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">Seeking an individual with an extensive knowledge of international economic affairs and regulations, as well as money laundering. Responsible for the financial management of Mako Services, Inc., including monitoring and tracking operating and capital expenditures and operating budget preparation. This position requires the individual to work closely and often collaboratively with the Contract Specialist and may require contact with Mako Services, Inc.’s clientele, vendors, and outsourcing companies. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">Must be able to work discreetly and quickly in an oftentimes high-stress and chaotic environment. Proficient knowledge of Microsoft Office, especially Excel, and a college degree are required. Knowledge of basic self-defense tactics and possession of a <country-region w:st="on"><place w:st="on">US</place></country-region> passport are a plus. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">To request application, please send an <a href="mailto:makoservicesinc@gmail.com">email</a> containing your contact information and one will be sent promptly. </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507053517150234831.post-46360677579200879812010-09-22T13:49:00.000-07:002011-07-19T06:44:08.422-07:00Tip #4: How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">We know what you’re thinking. Surviving a zombie apocalypse? CEO’s, surely you don’t mean to tell us that you believe in zombies? There’s no such thing. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Au contraire, mon frère. </i>You don’t think that the governing bodies of this planet are capable of creating a highly contagious and dangerous virus that could potentially infect the entire population with zombie-like symptoms quite similar to Resident Evil’s plotline? You’re delusional if you think otherwise. Do you think that the citizens of pre-World War II could ever believe in a weapon as powerful and destructive as the Atom Bomb before it was actually dropped? Think about it. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Finally, <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Hollywood</place></city> got it right. Somewhere in the Resident Evil script-writing department, there is probably a government double-agent feeding ideas posed as fictitious to further the movie’s storyline along, when their real motive is to educate the public one awesome Milla Jovavich movie at a time. This same double-agent also must’ve spent some quality time with the creators of Zombieland. <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Columbus</place></city>’ rules of survival are pretty accurate, except that he’s missing a few tactics. </span></div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Cardio. Zombies are relentless. They’re not just going to give up on you because you can run faster than they can. Be prepared for the long haul. You may or may not have to run a sizable distance before losing your attacker. Start building up your endurance now because <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Columbus</city></place> was right. Zombies are going to get “the fatties” first. You don’t have to be an Olympic sprinter to survive. You only have to be able to outrun your fat neighbor. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">In that same token, when being chased by a zombie, it’s perfectly acceptable to run in a zigzag pattern in order to confuse them. We know that in Tip #1, we told you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> to do this in the case where you’re confronted by a velociraptor, but that is an entirely different situation. Velociraptors are highly intelligent and fast-moving creatures whereas zombies are slow both intellectually and physically. Zigzag patterns will not confuse a velociraptor. It will only make you easier to catch. A zigzag pattern will prompt the zombie to follow you in that zigzag pattern, allowing you to escape that much faster. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Don’t drop your keys. You may have a zombie lurking under your car just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">waiting</i> for you to reach for your keys. There may not be, but are you willing to take that chance? If you drop your keys, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">walk or run away</i>. This may seem a little ridiculous, but you’ll easily find another car and another set of keys to use because by this point, you’re probably one of the few remaining beings able to utilize a car anyway and since the concept of civilized law has gone out the window, you won’t get in trouble for stealing. Don’t risk your safety and life with laziness. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Beware of bathrooms. <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Columbus</place></city> was right to point out that zombies like to get us when we’re most vulnerable. Do you know why this is? It’s because humans are faster and while most people are not “smart” by any stretch of the imagination, even the dumbest individual is at least able to form a thought while zombies cannot. Therefore, it’s beneficial for them to attack when we’re most vulnerable. When are we at our most vulnerable, you ask? In the bathroom. Whether you’re on the toilet bowl or in the shower, an attack will take you by surprise. Plus, there’s usually only one escape route in a scenario like this and the zombie will be blocking it as they’ve likely entered the room through this avenue. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Dress and act like a zombie when in public. In Zombieland, Billy Murray disguised himself as a zombie so that he could safely move about in public. This ruse even allowed him to attend an Eddie Van Halen (who is also a zombie) concert. Think this a bit far-fetched? Think logically about this. As previously stated, Zombies are not smart and are easily misled (see rule #2 above). This ploy is entirely believable once you take these factors into consideration. Just keep in mind that if you happen to bump into an actual human during the charade, drop the act immediately or else you might get shot. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">At some point, you must consider the option to defend yourself. Accept that in a relatively short time period, you will be outnumbered by the enemy. Zombies multiply like rabbits. Humans don’t. In order to stay alive, you will have to kill a few zombies along the way. Release anything you think you’ve learned from any law enforcement or mafia movies you may have seen and refrain from shooting a zombie in the chest (please note: shooting a human in the chest still applies). It will do nothing for you, except waste ammunition. Save your ammo and go for a direct shot to the head. Decapitation or a blunt object to the head (keep in mind that this last action will require you to get pretty close to a zombie in order to execute) works as well. Repeat after us: “Sever the spinal cord.” Proceed. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";">Just remember: when in doubt, follow <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Columbus</city></place>’ policy of the “double-tap.” </span></div>Mako Services, Inc.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08184247389019150656noreply@blogger.com0