Tip #7: A Traveler’s Guide to Mordor

By now, it’s nearly impossible to find an individual who hasn’t seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies, read the books, or at the very least has some familiarity with the concept and/or characters. However, what you may not know is that Middle Earth really does exist and Frodo Baggins is a complete idiot.

We have no doubt that most of you will be eager to explore the secrets of Rivendale, the charm of The Shire, and the glory of Gondor, but will you give no thought to Mordor? Yes, that’s right! You too can visit the fiery splendor that is Mordor provided you’re capable of walking without assistance over an extended period of time and great distance, under the age of 70, not pregnant and/or suffering from any heart conditions! The consistent black smoke of the region does prompt the Mordor Embassy to advise those with asthma and/or small children to avoid the excursion, but it’s not prohibited. In addition, you should journey to Mordor without following in the steps of Frodo since he clearly is the King of Poor Decisions. Below, we have detailed all of the information you’ll need to know before beginning your trip to Mordor.

1. A tour guide is strongly encouraged, especially if it’s your first time experiencing what Middle Earth has to offer. However, before hiring a guide, please do your research. Frodo allowed a deranged, schizophrenic, and mutated hobbit to assist him in his journey and look how that ended up. Not only did that nut job try to kill him by leading him into Shelob’s Lair, but he also bit Frodo’s finger off. What the hell kind of tour guide does shit like that? If Frodo had only listened to reason (aka: Samwise Gamgee), he would not have been in a predicament like that. A good rule of thumb is that if your tour guide arrives and he/she is creepy, skulking, hardly wearing any clothes, has big bug eyes, bad teeth, and mere wisps for hair, WALK AWAY. He/she might be a very nice person, but the odds are good that he/she isn’t, so why risk it?
2. While Mordor can be very exciting, like any other major city, it has its areas that should be avoided. For example, Shelob’s Lair. In fact, unless you have an intense spider fetish, that whole trail to the Lair through the High Pass of Cirith Ungol should be avoided. For starters, the path takes you past Minas Morgul, the home of the Witchking (Lord of the Nazgûl) and it’s completely terrifying. We’re trained specialists and we want nothing to do with that place. Secondly, in order to reach the Lair, you have to climb the face of a steep mountain using the Winding Stair, a “staircase” that could not possibly have passed fire code (and needless to say, is not handicapped-friendly). Is it worth it? Other locations that fall into this category are Barad-dûr, the large black tower in the center of Mordor that houses the Eye of Sauron, and the Dead Marshes. Barad-dûr should be self-explanatory (and if it isn’t, you’re a moron and should not even be considering a highly intelligent trip such as this), but we know what you’re going to say. The Dead Marshes sound super exciting considering the history of the place, most notably, being a section of where the Battle of Dagorlad took place (for those of you ignorant, the Battle of Daglorlad was when the Last Alliance combated the forces of Mordor and during which Isildur cut the Ring of Power from Sauron’s finger). Surely the marshes can’t be so bad? You just want to take a few pictures to show the folks back at home. Trust us. This kind of attitude is a mistake.  It’s true that several battles were fought at or near this location, making the Dead Marshes a site to be salivated over by history fanatics. The problem lies in the fact that following the Battle of Dagorlad, no one bothered to clean up the carnage and as the marshland encroached upon parts of the battlefield during the following years, the dead became engulfed by it, creating what is now known as the Dead Marshes. You still may think that this sounds utterly fascinating (ooooh, I’ve never seen a watery, swampy cemetery before!) and while we might agree with you on that notion, we assure you that it’s not fascinating enough to risk your life to see. It is said that those who become hypnotized by the dancing lights beneath the water’s surface (Gollum referred to them as the “candles of corpses”) and attempt to touch the bodies, drown in the water and join the dead. Not very pleasant sounding, is it? When Gollum guided Frodo and Sam through the Dead Marshes in the Two Towers, Frodo lollygagged (as he tended to do) and became entranced by these lights and dead faces. Of course, because he is the King of Poor Decisions, Frodo tried to touch one of the faces before Sam stopped him. Had he succeeded, Frodo never would’ve made it to Mount Doom in order to destroy the Ring of Power and we’d still have a Dark Lord running amuck. Do you see why this might be a problem?
3. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t see any of the battle location. The Dead Marshes only encompass a small portion of the battlefield. The principle site of the fighting was the Gorgoroth Plains. Now used as grounds for Orc revelry, it is currently a grey wasteland. It may not be sexy, but it still holds immense historical value without having to deal with the creepy dead lights and swampland.
4. Other sites of interest include the Black Gate, which is the main entrance to Mordor and one of the region’s more recognizable attractions, and Mount Doom, the origin of the Ring of Power and source of its destruction. Just a bit of advice though? Mount Doom is a tad volatile and steamy; therefore you should be prepared with warm weather clothing and ample amounts of SPF and able to run quickly and over long distances at a moment’s notice.

We do hope that you enjoy your stay in Middle Earth and your visit to Mordor. Taking the proper precautions will ensure that you’ll not only have an amazing experience, but that you’ll survive it as well.

Tip #6: How to Survive/Win an Office Holiday Decorating Contest

If you work in the corporate environment, you’ve been forced to participate in some form of holiday activity whether it was a party, luncheon, Secret Santa gift exchange, or decorating contest. Prior to forming Mako Services, Inc., the CEO’s suffered from having plenty of experience in each of these arenas, all at the hands of the same office. You actually have to wonder how anyone managed to complete their work with all of this holiday hoopla going around. On many occasions, the brunt of the activity planning and executing fell to us. You get abused in this aspect often enough and you start developing a rebellious nature. You start completing these tasks because if you don’t, you’ll be penalized, but you do so with flair of your own style, taste, and passion. You need this kind of attitude in order to survive or else you’ll wind up a miserable minion. In fact, even though you may meet resistance at first, you’ll find that your cohorts will catch your fresh and new energies like pink eye and submit to it. This resurgence among your teammates of joy and excitement over the unknown will prompt them to follow you anywhere, even through the mists of Avalon or fiery pits of Mordor. Bearing this in mind, listen to our advice and you will conquer not just the decorating contest, but the entire office as well.

1. It helps if you have some sort of creative artist-type working on your decorating team. Hopefully, you’re that person so that you can control the entire operation and simply dictate the tasks and responsibilities of each person. A creative artist-type person has a very different mind than a technical person. They have vision and know exactly what to do and how to do it in order to see this vision come to fruition. If you’ve got an entire team of technical people working together without any sort of imagination, you’re doomed to a theme of well-executed boredom. At the pinnacle of our power held at this office, we chose “A Hogwarts Holiday.” A Hogwarts Holiday could encompass all holidays since it’s generic (even though the books and movies only dealt with Christmas), making us the only politically correct team in the entire department.
2. Once you’ve got an innovative and reasonable (meaning that in the time allotted and with the supplies and resources available, you’re actually able to believably accomplish it) theme, you must commit to it like you’d commit to a lover. Hold it, nurture it, caress it, support it, be one with it. Think about how you can transform your assigned space, literally every nook, bookshelf, column, and doorway, into becoming your theme. We divided our blocks of cubicles into the Hogwarts’ Houses (Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw) and designated each office a Hogwarts Professor. It was up to the cubicle and office inhabitants to do what they needed to in order to embrace their house/persona. The Hufflepuff crew all wore paper yellow and black neckties adorned with the house crest. Dolores Umbridge’s office was papered with all of her Educational Decrees. These are the types of things you need to think about.
3. Once the base of your canvas is complete, it’s time to add the details. Looking around the space, one could clearly see that they were standing in Hogwarts simply by looking at the house banners and professors’ offices, but what made it special? We researched the different kinds of textbooks that students at Hogwarts might have been forced to use, created book covers with these titles, wrapped already existing books in these covers, and left them scattered around the multiple filing cabinets in the office. Additionally, we covered the entrance door in brick paper and hung a sign that said, “Hogwarts Express 9 ¾.” On the other side of the door, we posted a hand drawn picture of the Hogwarts Express, the train that transports the students to Hogwarts each year.
4. Make it fun for your judges to “judge” your space. Observing the decorations is one thing, but participating in it brings the experience to a whole new level. If you’re having an Irish Christmas, why not serve Irish Soda Bread and Bailey’s (trust us, a little booze won’t get you in trouble and it’ll be much appreciated)? We instigated a little competition among the judges and declared that whoever found the most hidden Dobby’s would win the Goblet of Fire. Unfortunately, this prompted a few of the mentally handicapped judges to ask what was in the Goblet of Fire, but you get the picture…   
5. Finally, if you’re still not feeling confident about victory, wait until everyone goes home the evening before judging and ransack the other sections’ decorations. It’s important not to just destroy the decorations, but to remove them entirely as if they’d never been there to begin with. Besides, if you put as much energy into your theme as we did, there’s no way you can lose so if you actually do lose, it’s obviously a rigged competition. If that’s the case, what’s the harm in vanquishing your lying, cheating enemies via destruction?

In the rare circumstance in which the contest is fixed or another team legitimately outdoes you, know that if you adhered to our policy, you’ll be congratulated on your originality and dedication. We’re obliged to forewarn you that you should in no way assume that this guarantees that you’ll get a pay raise. At least rest assured that when you walk the halls of your office, you’ll now be looked at with an awe that stems from the knowledge that lying beneath your peaceful corporate exterior is a dormant artistic storm that is not to be trifled with. In our case, we have wands and absolutely no problem “Expecto Patronum-ing” your ass into another universe. How does the Bog of Eternal Stench sound to you?