Tip #17: How to be Late to Work Without Suffering the Consequences

Let’s face it. We’ve all been late to work before. In some cases, there are those who are late on a consistent basis (The CEO’s, on the other hand, are never late for a job unless it’s strategically beneficial). We’re here to tell you that being late isn’t the problem. It’s the aftermath of being late that hurts.

1.    The simplest way to avoid punishment is to not get caught. Take the back door and/or whatever route to your desk that will avoid 98% of the office population. Slide into your chair, turn on your computer, and start shuffling papers and files around as if you’re actively working on something so that to any random passerby, it looks as if you’ve been there the entire time.

2.    If you’re busted arriving late, be apologetic. Apologizing will go over a lot smoother than kicking your boss in the groin and running away in a zig-zag pattern.

3.    Having a good reason for bad behavior often garners sympathy from figures of authority. Think about it. Does anyone get pissed off at Superman for destroying the city after he single-handedly prevents a trio of creepy black leather-clad beings hailed from another planet from eradicating the city’s population? No! They applaud his heroics! Here are a few suggestions that have worked for us in the past:

·         “I was in a car accident. I’m a little shaken up, but thankfully no injuries.” Just make sure there aren’t any witnesses to shut down this excuse. We did have an instance in which a fellow claimed he’d be in an accident and it turned out that he had been in an accident…the night before in the office parking lot in front of several of his peers. His bumper was left on his manager’s desk.

·         “I was just about to leave the house, which would’ve guaranteed that I would’ve been here on time, when Zombieland came on. I don’t know why, but every time that movie is on, I have to sit and watch it through the end no matter what I’m doing. It’s a sickness. I don’t know what to do about it.” This excuse is so bizarre that there’s no way your boss will think you’re lying, hence the genius of it. Sure, he/she may think you’re mentally unstable, but at the most, all he/she will be able to do to you is recommend you seek therapy (which you’ll gladly do because then you can use your appointments as excuses to leave work early).

·         “Instead of getting dressed for work when my alarm went off, I stayed in bed to play with myself, so it took a bit longer for me to get ready than usual, which of course, got me on the road later than usual, and now here we are.” This is especially effective if you’re a woman with a straight male boss. Combine this excuse with big boobs (or a push up bra) and a low cut blouse and we pretty much have a no-fail situation. While less effective with a straight female boss, she should be able to at least understand where you’re coming from.

·         “My friend and I couldn’t fathom why there didn’t exist such a thing as an email high-five, so we spent the better part of the morning writing the perfect HTML code to create one in an effort to improve communication across the email galaxy. It took some time, but the good news is that we’re really on to something big here. It’s groundbreaking stuff.” As you can see, this shows your boss that you were late for legitimate work-related issues as opposed to being late because you’re lazy and inept. Actually, since it’s work-related, you’re technically not even late! You may even get a promotion for taking the initiative to create something fresh and exciting and to do it outside of your scheduled work shift.

4.    Sometimes, it’s not your boss that’s going to nail you to the cross. There are occasions when the person itching to string you up is the office’s token “Dwight Schrute.” He/she wants to be well-liked by the boss, which will hopefully lead to advancement. In order to do this, he/she is willing to sacrifice as many people as possible. Removing this obstacle is an easy matter, but it requires stealth and a pair of balls. Either you have to be ballsy enough to call the professionals (i.e. Mako Services, Inc.) to eliminate the problem on your behalf or competent enough to do it yourself. Once the example has been set, no one will ever tattle on you again.

Obviously, the easiest way to avoid getting into trouble for being late is to not be late, but we at Mako Services, Inc. strongly feel that there are some things that are just not worth being on time to. Unless you are a ninja assassin, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, fire fighter, and/or EMT, there’s just no good reason for you to arrive at your place of employment on time. We understand. However, your straight-laced and non-innovative superiors will not understand. Therefore, keep some believable and reliable excuses handy at all times.

Tip #4: How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

We know what you’re thinking. Surviving a zombie apocalypse? CEO’s, surely you don’t mean to tell us that you believe in zombies? There’s no such thing. Au contraire, mon frère. You don’t think that the governing bodies of this planet are capable of creating a highly contagious and dangerous virus that could potentially infect the entire population with zombie-like symptoms quite similar to Resident Evil’s plotline? You’re delusional if you think otherwise. Do you think that the citizens of pre-World War II could ever believe in a weapon as powerful and destructive as the Atom Bomb before it was actually dropped? Think about it.

Finally, Hollywood got it right. Somewhere in the Resident Evil script-writing department, there is probably a government double-agent feeding ideas posed as fictitious to further the movie’s storyline along, when their real motive is to educate the public one awesome Milla Jovavich movie at a time. This same double-agent also must’ve spent some quality time with the creators of Zombieland. Columbus’ rules of survival are pretty accurate, except that he’s missing a few tactics.

1. Cardio. Zombies are relentless. They’re not just going to give up on you because you can run faster than they can. Be prepared for the long haul. You may or may not have to run a sizable distance before losing your attacker. Start building up your endurance now because Columbus was right. Zombies are going to get “the fatties” first. You don’t have to be an Olympic sprinter to survive. You only have to be able to outrun your fat neighbor.
2. In that same token, when being chased by a zombie, it’s perfectly acceptable to run in a zigzag pattern in order to confuse them. We know that in Tip #1, we told you not to do this in the case where you’re confronted by a velociraptor, but that is an entirely different situation. Velociraptors are highly intelligent and fast-moving creatures whereas zombies are slow both intellectually and physically. Zigzag patterns will not confuse a velociraptor. It will only make you easier to catch. A zigzag pattern will prompt the zombie to follow you in that zigzag pattern, allowing you to escape that much faster.
3. Don’t drop your keys. You may have a zombie lurking under your car just waiting for you to reach for your keys. There may not be, but are you willing to take that chance? If you drop your keys, walk or run away. This may seem a little ridiculous, but you’ll easily find another car and another set of keys to use because by this point, you’re probably one of the few remaining beings able to utilize a car anyway and since the concept of civilized law has gone out the window, you won’t get in trouble for stealing. Don’t risk your safety and life with laziness.
4. Beware of bathrooms. Columbus was right to point out that zombies like to get us when we’re most vulnerable. Do you know why this is? It’s because humans are faster and while most people are not “smart” by any stretch of the imagination, even the dumbest individual is at least able to form a thought while zombies cannot. Therefore, it’s beneficial for them to attack when we’re most vulnerable. When are we at our most vulnerable, you ask? In the bathroom. Whether you’re on the toilet bowl or in the shower, an attack will take you by surprise. Plus, there’s usually only one escape route in a scenario like this and the zombie will be blocking it as they’ve likely entered the room through this avenue.
5. Dress and act like a zombie when in public. In Zombieland, Billy Murray disguised himself as a zombie so that he could safely move about in public. This ruse even allowed him to attend an Eddie Van Halen (who is also a zombie) concert. Think this a bit far-fetched? Think logically about this. As previously stated, Zombies are not smart and are easily misled (see rule #2 above). This ploy is entirely believable once you take these factors into consideration. Just keep in mind that if you happen to bump into an actual human during the charade, drop the act immediately or else you might get shot.
6. At some point, you must consider the option to defend yourself. Accept that in a relatively short time period, you will be outnumbered by the enemy. Zombies multiply like rabbits. Humans don’t. In order to stay alive, you will have to kill a few zombies along the way. Release anything you think you’ve learned from any law enforcement or mafia movies you may have seen and refrain from shooting a zombie in the chest (please note: shooting a human in the chest still applies). It will do nothing for you, except waste ammunition. Save your ammo and go for a direct shot to the head. Decapitation or a blunt object to the head (keep in mind that this last action will require you to get pretty close to a zombie in order to execute) works as well. Repeat after us: “Sever the spinal cord.” Proceed.

Just remember: when in doubt, follow Columbus’ policy of the “double-tap.”