New PSA Released Regarding Ethical Treatment of Zombies

In this new PSA regarding the ethical treatment of zombies, Zachary Levi asks that we stop dicking around when confronting a flesh-eating zombie and simply aim for the head. While we don't care much for the warm and fuzzy nature of this PSA, we can't help but applaud Levi for stressing the importance of taking a zombie bitch out by the head! It's what we've been saying all along!

Thank YOU, Mr. Levi for shedding additional light on this dilemna...even if it was delivered in a saccharine promotion of civil rights kind of way.

Remember, kids. Attempting to torture a zombie instead of killing it outright is much like toying with a venemous snake. Eventually, the snake will bite you and prompt an inevitiable and painful death. You're just not quite sure when.

Tip #4: How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

We know what you’re thinking. Surviving a zombie apocalypse? CEO’s, surely you don’t mean to tell us that you believe in zombies? There’s no such thing. Au contraire, mon frère. You don’t think that the governing bodies of this planet are capable of creating a highly contagious and dangerous virus that could potentially infect the entire population with zombie-like symptoms quite similar to Resident Evil’s plotline? You’re delusional if you think otherwise. Do you think that the citizens of pre-World War II could ever believe in a weapon as powerful and destructive as the Atom Bomb before it was actually dropped? Think about it.

Finally, Hollywood got it right. Somewhere in the Resident Evil script-writing department, there is probably a government double-agent feeding ideas posed as fictitious to further the movie’s storyline along, when their real motive is to educate the public one awesome Milla Jovavich movie at a time. This same double-agent also must’ve spent some quality time with the creators of Zombieland. Columbus’ rules of survival are pretty accurate, except that he’s missing a few tactics.

1. Cardio. Zombies are relentless. They’re not just going to give up on you because you can run faster than they can. Be prepared for the long haul. You may or may not have to run a sizable distance before losing your attacker. Start building up your endurance now because Columbus was right. Zombies are going to get “the fatties” first. You don’t have to be an Olympic sprinter to survive. You only have to be able to outrun your fat neighbor.
2. In that same token, when being chased by a zombie, it’s perfectly acceptable to run in a zigzag pattern in order to confuse them. We know that in Tip #1, we told you not to do this in the case where you’re confronted by a velociraptor, but that is an entirely different situation. Velociraptors are highly intelligent and fast-moving creatures whereas zombies are slow both intellectually and physically. Zigzag patterns will not confuse a velociraptor. It will only make you easier to catch. A zigzag pattern will prompt the zombie to follow you in that zigzag pattern, allowing you to escape that much faster.
3. Don’t drop your keys. You may have a zombie lurking under your car just waiting for you to reach for your keys. There may not be, but are you willing to take that chance? If you drop your keys, walk or run away. This may seem a little ridiculous, but you’ll easily find another car and another set of keys to use because by this point, you’re probably one of the few remaining beings able to utilize a car anyway and since the concept of civilized law has gone out the window, you won’t get in trouble for stealing. Don’t risk your safety and life with laziness.
4. Beware of bathrooms. Columbus was right to point out that zombies like to get us when we’re most vulnerable. Do you know why this is? It’s because humans are faster and while most people are not “smart” by any stretch of the imagination, even the dumbest individual is at least able to form a thought while zombies cannot. Therefore, it’s beneficial for them to attack when we’re most vulnerable. When are we at our most vulnerable, you ask? In the bathroom. Whether you’re on the toilet bowl or in the shower, an attack will take you by surprise. Plus, there’s usually only one escape route in a scenario like this and the zombie will be blocking it as they’ve likely entered the room through this avenue.
5. Dress and act like a zombie when in public. In Zombieland, Billy Murray disguised himself as a zombie so that he could safely move about in public. This ruse even allowed him to attend an Eddie Van Halen (who is also a zombie) concert. Think this a bit far-fetched? Think logically about this. As previously stated, Zombies are not smart and are easily misled (see rule #2 above). This ploy is entirely believable once you take these factors into consideration. Just keep in mind that if you happen to bump into an actual human during the charade, drop the act immediately or else you might get shot.
6. At some point, you must consider the option to defend yourself. Accept that in a relatively short time period, you will be outnumbered by the enemy. Zombies multiply like rabbits. Humans don’t. In order to stay alive, you will have to kill a few zombies along the way. Release anything you think you’ve learned from any law enforcement or mafia movies you may have seen and refrain from shooting a zombie in the chest (please note: shooting a human in the chest still applies). It will do nothing for you, except waste ammunition. Save your ammo and go for a direct shot to the head. Decapitation or a blunt object to the head (keep in mind that this last action will require you to get pretty close to a zombie in order to execute) works as well. Repeat after us: “Sever the spinal cord.” Proceed.

Just remember: when in doubt, follow Columbus’ policy of the “double-tap.”

Tip #3: How to Survive in Shark Infested Waters

Sharks are the oceans’ Apex predator and one of the planet’s oldest living species. While sharks are among nature’s top predators, we are insignificant and useless beings residing at the bottom of the food chain. Despite our lowly status in the grand scheme of things, we seem to feel entitled to be a part of every modicum this world’s makeup. Quite often, once we get our grubby, meddlesome hands on it, we screw it up, as appears the case with our world’s marine life.

It comes to no surprise that as water leisure activities became more popular, the frequency of shark attacks increased. It should not be assumed that the reason for this is that the sharks have become more aggressive or fixated on a human flesh diet. It’s merely the result of statistics. The more often you venture into their habitat, the higher the likelihood of you encountering a shark. If this is a prospect that greatly frightens you, then keep your pansy ass out of the ocean.

However, since there are many “non-pansy” asses or asses that are simply imbecilic, we’re confident that the population willing to risk shark encounters for the sake of aquatic activities far outweighs those who aren’t. Therefore, we’ve provided you with a variety of tips on how to survive in shark infested waters:

1. Don’t be an idiot. This general rule applies to a variety of poor decisions that could be made in the water. If you, for a moment feel that, “Hmmm. This may not be the brightest idea,” cease the activity. It could save your life. Examples of this type of stupidity include, but are not limited to: cannonball diving into the middle of a school of frenzied sharks, willingly swimming in the ocean with an open and actively bleeding wound (or with someone who has an open and actively bleeding wound for that matter), antagonizing a shark by poking it with a stick or grabbing its tail, giving shark wrangling a whirl (remember: you are not Carter Blake in Deep Blue Sea), or attempting to see inside a shark’s mouth.
2. If you insist on swimming in the ocean, avoid swimming with your beloved dog. If there’s a shark in the vicinity, your charming pet’s erratic swimming technique will surely attract its attention, almost certainly guaranteeing an attack. It should also go without saying that adopting your dog’s swim style is not advised.
3. If you have the misfortune of being forced into a situation with sharks without any sign of immediate escape, your first step is to remain calm and avoid splashing around as much as possible.
4. If, for some reason, you happen to be bleeding, it is important that you stop the blood flow quickly. You can use a piece of your clothing as a tourniquet (hopefully, you’re not naked or else you’re shit out of luck). If possible, remove the injury from the water. Loss of blood could lead to a loss of consciousness, which in the middle of the ocean, will also lead to drowning. Lose enough blood, your organs will begin to fail and you will die (just so you’re aware, this principle also applies to bleeding while on land). Finally, blood in the water attracts sharks. Sharks cruising into your locale to explore the situation rarely turn out to be a good thing…for you anyway.
5. Assess your surroundings. Do you see anything that could potentially be used as a weapon? A piece of driftwood could suffice. A poke to the nose of a curious shark may be enough to deter it from investigating further. No weapons? Not ideal, but you’ll have to make do with your hands and feet to deter an approaching shark and prevent the “investigative bite” that scientists often refer to. A shark’s nose, eyes, and gills are especially sensitive, so a quick jab to any of these regions should do the trick. Of course, if you’re able to get close enough to the eyes to do damage, the state of affairs are probably becoming pretty bleak for you. Do not bother beating the top of a shark with your fists. It is an ineffective waste of your time because their bodies are built like solid tanks and the softest part of their bodies is their undercarriage. Plus, the sandpapery surface is rough enough to cause damage to your pathetic, unprotected, and wimpy skin. Damage = Blood. Refer back to #4 regarding what happens when blood enters the scenario.

Remember: Despite carefully following these guidelines, if you’re not rescued within a relatively short period of time, you’ll still die. You’re not a fish and cannot reasonably expect that you’ll be able to float around in the middle of the sea for eternity. If you’re bleeding, survival time is shortened even more so. Plus, surviving long periods of time without food or fresh water is impossible unless you’re a zombie. If you’re a zombie, we’re not quite sure what you’re doing in the middle of the ocean anyway. In fact, if you are a zombie, please refrain from swimming in the open water at all as the potential for a shark to feed on you is high and the concept of a zombie shark is utterly terrifying.

Wanted - Special Ops Assistant

Seeking an adaptable individual, capable of handling confidential matters discreetly and with poise, to support the Chief Executive Officers of Mako Services, Inc. Must be able to multi-task, willing to travel frequently and at a moment's notice, be in possession of a US Passort, and work productively in a high-stress environment. Minimum K-9 education required. Higher education recommended and a bonus!

Experience in demolitions and atomic and viral warfare, training in hand-to-hand combat, firearms, knife fighting, and knowledge of the dark arts, dinosaurs, sharks, zombies, vampires and foreign languages are all a plus.

To request application, please send an email containing your contact information and one will be sent promptly.