Tip #4: How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

We know what you’re thinking. Surviving a zombie apocalypse? CEO’s, surely you don’t mean to tell us that you believe in zombies? There’s no such thing. Au contraire, mon frère. You don’t think that the governing bodies of this planet are capable of creating a highly contagious and dangerous virus that could potentially infect the entire population with zombie-like symptoms quite similar to Resident Evil’s plotline? You’re delusional if you think otherwise. Do you think that the citizens of pre-World War II could ever believe in a weapon as powerful and destructive as the Atom Bomb before it was actually dropped? Think about it.

Finally, Hollywood got it right. Somewhere in the Resident Evil script-writing department, there is probably a government double-agent feeding ideas posed as fictitious to further the movie’s storyline along, when their real motive is to educate the public one awesome Milla Jovavich movie at a time. This same double-agent also must’ve spent some quality time with the creators of Zombieland. Columbus’ rules of survival are pretty accurate, except that he’s missing a few tactics.

1. Cardio. Zombies are relentless. They’re not just going to give up on you because you can run faster than they can. Be prepared for the long haul. You may or may not have to run a sizable distance before losing your attacker. Start building up your endurance now because Columbus was right. Zombies are going to get “the fatties” first. You don’t have to be an Olympic sprinter to survive. You only have to be able to outrun your fat neighbor.
2. In that same token, when being chased by a zombie, it’s perfectly acceptable to run in a zigzag pattern in order to confuse them. We know that in Tip #1, we told you not to do this in the case where you’re confronted by a velociraptor, but that is an entirely different situation. Velociraptors are highly intelligent and fast-moving creatures whereas zombies are slow both intellectually and physically. Zigzag patterns will not confuse a velociraptor. It will only make you easier to catch. A zigzag pattern will prompt the zombie to follow you in that zigzag pattern, allowing you to escape that much faster.
3. Don’t drop your keys. You may have a zombie lurking under your car just waiting for you to reach for your keys. There may not be, but are you willing to take that chance? If you drop your keys, walk or run away. This may seem a little ridiculous, but you’ll easily find another car and another set of keys to use because by this point, you’re probably one of the few remaining beings able to utilize a car anyway and since the concept of civilized law has gone out the window, you won’t get in trouble for stealing. Don’t risk your safety and life with laziness.
4. Beware of bathrooms. Columbus was right to point out that zombies like to get us when we’re most vulnerable. Do you know why this is? It’s because humans are faster and while most people are not “smart” by any stretch of the imagination, even the dumbest individual is at least able to form a thought while zombies cannot. Therefore, it’s beneficial for them to attack when we’re most vulnerable. When are we at our most vulnerable, you ask? In the bathroom. Whether you’re on the toilet bowl or in the shower, an attack will take you by surprise. Plus, there’s usually only one escape route in a scenario like this and the zombie will be blocking it as they’ve likely entered the room through this avenue.
5. Dress and act like a zombie when in public. In Zombieland, Billy Murray disguised himself as a zombie so that he could safely move about in public. This ruse even allowed him to attend an Eddie Van Halen (who is also a zombie) concert. Think this a bit far-fetched? Think logically about this. As previously stated, Zombies are not smart and are easily misled (see rule #2 above). This ploy is entirely believable once you take these factors into consideration. Just keep in mind that if you happen to bump into an actual human during the charade, drop the act immediately or else you might get shot.
6. At some point, you must consider the option to defend yourself. Accept that in a relatively short time period, you will be outnumbered by the enemy. Zombies multiply like rabbits. Humans don’t. In order to stay alive, you will have to kill a few zombies along the way. Release anything you think you’ve learned from any law enforcement or mafia movies you may have seen and refrain from shooting a zombie in the chest (please note: shooting a human in the chest still applies). It will do nothing for you, except waste ammunition. Save your ammo and go for a direct shot to the head. Decapitation or a blunt object to the head (keep in mind that this last action will require you to get pretty close to a zombie in order to execute) works as well. Repeat after us: “Sever the spinal cord.” Proceed.

Just remember: when in doubt, follow Columbus’ policy of the “double-tap.”