Mako Services, Inc. Welcomes New Employee!

Codename: Indian (Agent I)

Agent I hails to us from the exotic land of Queens to take over the role of Independent Consultant for Foreign Affairs. Having spent several years performing covert ops in the Middle East, Agent I brings to Mako Services, Inc. an in depth knowledge of desert survival, explosives, hand-to-hand combat, throwing knives, and the meditative practice of Yoga. His early years interning with the Russian KGB will make him a vital asset in the Eastern European region.

Expertly trained by Pai Mei in the art of breaking through walls with limited space to maneuver, carrying buckets of water on his back, and speaking in Russian, Indian, Greek, and British accents, Agent I is responsible for gathering intel and the internationals affairs of Mako Services, Inc., including overseas marketing and investments, negotiations with our foreign clientele, defense strategies, and other areas of a special and confidential nature, operating primarily out of Mako Services, Inc.’s office on The Continent.

Agent I currently holds a double BA in “Eastern European Linguistics” and “Middle Eastern Linguistics,” as well as a Masters in “Russian History” from Oxford University.

Tip #14: Celebrating Shark Week

It’s that most wonderful time of the year again, folks and before you stupidly respond, “Wait, it’s not December,” please keep silent or prepare to suffer the consequences. Shark Week 2011 kicks off July 31^st at 9 pm with Great White Invasion. God, just thinking about it sends shivers down our spine in excited anticipation.

Since important holidays such as this deserve proper observance, we’ve decided to educate you in the art of Shark Week Celebration so that you don’t screw this up like everything else that you do in your life.

1. If you have a Facebook account, fan the official Shark Week Facebook page so that you keep abreast of all news updates, advocacy opportunities, events, and programming information. Ditto on the Twitter front.
2. Clear your evening calendar because it’s mandatory that you watch the premier of the new shark specials on the Discovery Channel. On the schedule for this year is Great White Invasion (as previously stated), Jaws Come Home (July 31^st at 10 pm), Rogue Sharks (August 1^st at 9 pm), Summer of the Shark (August 1^st at 10 pm), Killer Shark (August 2^nd at 9 pm), How Sharks Hunt (August 3^rd at 9 pm), and Shark City (August 4^th at 9 pm).  Even better than watching these riveting documentaries solo is throwing a shark-themed party and inviting all of your friends over to partake in the festivities. Bake shark-themed cupcakes and/or shark-shaped cookies (yes, they make shark cookie cutters so no excuses! Even Agent U has one), create crafty shark-themed decorations, and serve ocean blue-colored drinks (alcoholic, of course, or else what’s the point?). Under no circumstances, should you offer shark fin soup on your menu! How barbaric could you possibly be? This is about shark conservation, not butchery!
3. We encourage you to take the entire week off from work to truly appreciate Mother Nature’s finest killing machine. Each day visit a different local aquarium and spend an adequate amount of time in the shark exhibit, studying the species’ nuances and differences. Appreciate the perfection that is the shark. Become so familiar with the shark that you value the species’ purpose in our ecosystem and become sympathetic to its plight.  Of course, be sure you’re in front of a television on time for when the new shark specials air. If finances simply do not allow you the luxury of multiple aquarium visits, feel free to spend your days inside watching past Shark Week documentaries and/or reading up on the species via the World Wide Web (be sure to reference reliable sources and no, Wikipedia is not a reliable source).
4. To promote Shark Week (and become closer to living each day like it’s Shark Week, which is of course the ultimate goal), wear a different shark shirt each day. Here are some recommended examples: Example A, Example B, Example C.

Go forth and be one with the shark. It is your job to make the world a better place for the ocean’s apex predator.

Tip #13: Communicating in Movie Dialogue

Communicating in movie dialogue is a fantastic way to make others feel excluded, especially if a) they’re unable to figure out what the hell is going on or b) they’re able to decipher what you’re doing, but unable to determine what movie you’re referencing and therefore, unable to participate. Bonus points for referencing multiple movies during the conversation in order to really confuse said individuals.

The CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. are experts at this tactic. In fact, we’re actually the founders of this delicate art. Is it not expected that a rookie practitioner will be able to execute the complicated Multiple Movie Reference Conversation and for that reason we will not spend much time on educating you on the subject. Just be aware that the option does exist for those ready to advance their practice.

1. Expand your movie database. Knowing the ins and outs of one movie is merely a party trick and realistically speaking, you’re not the only one who has memorized The Goonies. You do not possess an impressive skill set in the slightest. Having extensive knowledge of a vast array of movies? Now that’s something to be proud of.
2. Are you able to identify the source of the following movie dialogue transaction:

“What’s your name?”

“Plenty! Plenty O’Toole!”

“Named for your father perhaps.”

If so, you have a promising future as a Movie Dialogue Communicator. Inserting lines like these into your daily conversation proves that you’re not just some jackwagon spouting popular lines from The Hangover. This proves that you’re a movie connoisseur. You’re not to be trifled with. If you’re utterly clueless as to the origin of this quote, you’ve got a lot to learn before you hang with the big boys.  

3. Once you’ve familiarized with a good number of movies like a lover familiarizes himself with his partner, it’s time to make a friend who has the same movie referencing talents that you do and shares an intense dislike for the majority of the people you’re forced to spend time with...like your asshole co-workers.  It is vital that you’re close enough to this person that when conversing in movie dialogue, you can pick up each other’s cues and move to the next appropriate movie quote easily. Even if you’re speaking in movie dialogue that’s completely unrelated to the actual conversation at hand, your partner should be able to understand the direction of the conversation and roll with the punches (note: it is only recommended that you attempt this maneuver when you and your partner can work together as one unit like Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs in Miami Vice).
4. Now that you’ve developed your skills and secured a partner in crime, it’s time to utilize your knowledge at the expense of others. The best way to show you how to insert movie dialogue into a normal, everyday (and most like dull) conversation is to demonstrate with a simple example. Say you are milling about the office communal kitchen one Friday, waiting for the coffee pot to finish brewing. You are standing with your partner in crime (PIC) and 2 of your co-workers, both of whom are dull-witted, annoying, and most likely, completely dead space to the human race. Let’s call them John and Doug. Naturally, polite conversation will be struck up in order to prevent an extended awkward silence while the 4 of you impatiently watch the coffee drip slowly, but steadily into the glass coffee pot. It might go a little something like this:

           John: It sure is sunny out

Doug: Lovely weather

John: I’m definitely going to try to get outside this weekend.

You: Do or do not. There is no try.

John: Um, yeah, I guess.

PIC: She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts!

Doug: Who?

You: Wonderful girl. Either I’m going to kill her or I’m beginning to like her.

John: What?

You: Into exile, I must go. Failed, I have. *exit kitchen regardless of whether or not you’ve gotten your cup of coffee*

Next, meet your PIC in a pre-determined location to laugh about how perplexed you’ve made your idiot co-workers. Return to the kitchen to retrieve your cup of coffee, if necessary.

As you can see, communicating in movie dialogue isn’t really that hard to do as long as you’ve got the necessary knowledge. Obviously, the better you become at doing this, the more complicated and/or cryptic you can get with your movie dialogue conversations.

Tip #12: Handling Eavesdroppers

Human beings by nature are curious creatures. If we weren’t, we’d never know the wonder of the light bulb, penicillin, or Reese’s peanut butter cups. The arrival of the internet has cultivated this trait. Thanks to readily available and informative websites such as WebMD and Wikipedia, we can now approach our physicians with pages upon pages of printouts detailing the variety of cancers and autoimmune diseases that correlate to our symptoms. Google Maps and MapQuest have retired the use of roadmaps.

While the internet has clearly fed our desires to know more, the introduction of social networks like MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter has completely exploited it. “Peggy Johnson is burning off the calories at cardio kickboxing!” Who gives a shit? Unfortunately, enough people “liking” or leaving idiotic feedback on these mundane statuses promotes this type of behavior and as a result, it becomes a never ending cycle of nonsense that Peggy shares with the world. Since we’ve become so used to knowing Peggy’s every single activity, thought, and thanks to foursquare, her location at any given time of the day, we feel the need to know everyone’s activities, thoughts, and location even though we’re not entitled to know.

For individuals with a modicum of intelligence, this invasion of personal space is truly terrifying. However, the situation becomes further exacerbated when the invading person is not only someone who you haven’t willingly disclosed information to, but also someone who shares your personal business with anyone who’ll listen. Nothing infuriates the CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. more than assholes that air other people’s dirty laundry…except maybe slow drivers or Taco Bells that fail to offer packets of Fire sauce to their customers. It’s for that reason that we’ve chosen to arm our minions with the skills necessary to survive an eavesdropper assault and to strike back.

1. Pretending that the eavesdropper doesn’t exist is not an acceptable defense tactic. You may think that by ignoring the individual, they’ll eventually tire of you and stop listening to your conversation, but this assumption is a mistake. Conducting your conversation as though no one is listening guarantees that the eavesdropper is going to pay attention to every single word you say and will most likely repeat it to someone else.
2. You need to come to terms with the fact that an eavesdropper, no matter how many dirty looks you shoot their way, will remain an eavesdropper until the day they eavesdrop on a conversation that finds them in the same situation as Jimmy Hoffa. There is nothing you can do short of “eliminating” the individual that will change an eavesdropper’s behavior patterns. Just accept it.
3. Now that you’ve accepted the faults of your adversary, you need to learn how to combat them or else prepare for the entire office (and potentially people who’ve never met you) to know about that bartender you had sex with on your cruise to the Caribbean last month. Once you’re aware that your eavesdropper has joined your conversation, make sure it becomes as uncomfortable as possible for them to listen. Anything of importance should be conveyed to your confident in a low, clear voice so that he/she can hear you, but your eavesdropper is unable to. Throughout the conversation, raise your voice and randomly insert an awkward word so as to turn off your eavesdropper. Examples of words or phrases that would function in this aspect include, but are not limited to, yeast infection, menstrual cycle, Chlamydia, crooked penises, cancer, gynecologist, nipple hair, Herpes, infection, poop, diarrhea, and UTI. The goal here is to either disgust or freak out your opponent so much that he/she will never want to listen in on your conversations again.
4. Should the above step backfire and you find yourself in a situation where the office suddenly thinks that you have Chlamydia, Herpes, diarrhea, and an UTI, understand that your foe is more deviant than previously thought. Clearly, there’s nothing that this sick person won’t latch onto and spread like a rash. The good news is that their hunger to repeat other people’s filth can become their undoing. Within earshot of your eavesdropper, plant the seed of deceit. Slyly mention to a trustworthy partner in crime that you saw the new PM necking with your boss’ secretary last night during a late showing of Eclipse. Everyone knows that interoffice relationships are a definite violation your company’s policy.  Your eavesdropper is sure to regurgitate this (most likely to your boss) and when the rumor proves to be unfounded, your eavesdropper will look and feel like a real asshole. Is it unfair to drag your innocent co-workers into this? Absolutely, but consider them necessary casualties of war. After all, your eavesdropper will definitely think twice about repeating anything you say again now that your rumors have proved to be unreliable. Your co-workers will bounce back from the incident sooner rather than later anyway because the rumor you instigated was a blatant lie.
5. Ignite the fear of god in your enemy. This should only be used as a last resort because you don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you’re reported to Human Resources for “creating a hostile work environment.” That never ends pretty. Approach the eavesdropper in a secluded location of the office and before doing anything, make sure that there are no witnesses to corroborate the eavesdropper’s story. Under no circumstances should you put your hands on him/her. You may leave marks on their person, which provides them with the evidence that they’ll need to report your ass to higher authorities. In case you couldn’t tell, that would be a bad thing. However do make the eavesdropper think that you would put your hands on him/her if the need arose. Your threat should be terrifying and convincing enough to make the eavesdropper think that spreading your dirty laundry is not worth the physical pain that you’d deal them as punishment.

Just remember, the CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. are a mere email away if you feel that you’ve exhausted all of your resources in dealing with the eavesdropper(s). For a small fee, we’ll be more than happy to handle the situation on your behalf. It’ll be like they never existed.

Okay, People. Time to Prepare for the Arrival of SkyNet

It's come quite clear to us that you'll be needing this survival tip sooner than originally anticipated because humans are incredibly dense. According to this article (which was brought to our attention by a Mako Services, Inc. devoted follower), the brainiacs at NASA invented a humanoid robot they've "cleverly" dubbed "Robonaut" that will be sent into space. Apparently Robonaut even has a Twitter account, which made us throw up a little in our mouths. It might be fun and games now, but just wait until a robot speaking in broken English and looks like Arnold Scwarzenegger arrives at your front door asking questions about Sarah Connor. Be as accommodating as possible, but it won't really matter. That conversation is going to end with a bullet in your head.

Awesome job, NASA. The destruction of the human race is just around the corner. Keep up the good work.

Tip #11: When You Truly Hate Your Job

There are people in this world who actually get a sense of joy and satisfaction out of their occupations. These individuals are typically doctors, lawyers, marine biologists (basically professionals who’ve had to work extremely hard and earn multiple degrees in order to achieve success in their particular field), or simpletons that don’t realize they should hate themselves and their situation.

Some people simply view their occupation as a source of income. Sometimes it’s enjoyable and at other times, misery inducing.

However, there is a third category of employees. Those whose very blood is saturated with utter contempt for their co-workers, department “vision” or “mission,” authority figures, and day-to-day job functions…and usually not without good reason. It should go without saying that any job that conjures this type of involuntary production of venom in an individual should be left for greener pastures (unless of course, you are a species of venomous reptile. In that case, involuntary production of venom is perfectly natural), however here at Mako Services, Inc., we understand that this is not always an easy task to accomplish. Not only is it not easy, but actively pursuing completion of this task is often time consuming and frustrating. In the meantime, you’re forced to continue your service to the evil higher power currently stripping away your dreams, hopes, happiness, and soul. We know just how debilitating this can be for creative and thoughtful geniuses such as ourselves. That is why we’ve created a list of helpful tips to get you through these troubling times until you’re able to find your exit.

1. No matter how bleak things start to look, continue to prostitute your resume on online forums such as Monster and CareerBuilder. In fact, we recommend that you continue doing so during office hours. It’ll be a fantastic and productive way to pass your time spent in purgatory and let’s be rational here. Quitting will only prolong your enslavement, allowing it to slowly eat away any self-respect that you may have for yourself along with your drive to exist. Just be sure to minimize your screen when any of those assholes you work with walk by. You don’t want to get in any trouble.
2. Stick to your headphones like a bee drawn to honey. It should go without saying that conversing with your dreaded co-workers will only add to your despair, which is why headphones are of such great assistance. With your headphones on, it’s completely acceptable to ignore everyone around you because they think you can’t hear them over your music. Therefore when people spot those headphones, unless it’s absolutely necessary for them to speak with you, they’ll simply bypass your desk. The great thing about this tactic is that you don’t even really need to be listening to music. You only need to create the illusion that you are.
3. Keep a bottle of liquor in the bottom of your desk drawers, preferably hidden beneath a lot of work files so that none of the thieving assholes in your department “accidentally” discover it. There’s a reason why people frequently turn to drugs and alcohol when they’re feeling down. These substances temporarily numb any pain that you may be experiencing all the while making you feel great, wonderful, and like everybody loves you. Of course, this only works in moderation. Becoming shit-faced on the job is not the solution as it will lead to you engaging in one or more of the following activities: passing out on your desk and drooling on any papers and/or the computer keyboard, stumbling around the office and knocking over a lot of expensive item (such as the laminator), sending mass emails about how much you hate this place and everyone in it, and/or peeing openly somewhere in the office in front of all your colleagues…like the conference room…during a staff meeting. However, a nip from the bottle here and there will definitely help you get through your day as painlessly as possible. Note: adopting this strategy does not make you an alcoholic. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
4. We know that you may feel like bringing a semi-automatic weapon into the office and unleashing all of your anger and frustration out on your simple-minded co-workers is a good idea. We understand. To be quite frank, they’d probably deserve it, but unfortunately you can’t do that because for some reason, our country’s laws forbid you from taking such action.  Due to the inexplicable unaccommodating nature of this nation’s legal system, it is in your best interest to release your anger and frustration in the most stealth way possible. Hire a “consultant” and be sure to take a vacation day on the day your office is scheduled for “spring cleaning.”

Remember, our dear little wretched creature, do not give up the good fight. One day, hopefully soon, you’ll find something better and then you can blow your current taco stand with two middle fingers extended toward the sky. Afterwards, you can enlist us to return to the scene of your grief in order to “handle” things on your behalf. Please keep in mind that we will require a deposit. Review examples of our Services Agreement and Confidentiality Agreement for further information.

Tip #10: How to Survive When Stalked by a Terminator

Let’s face it. You’re pretty much screwed if you find yourself in this situation, unless you can outrun bullets or stop their trajectory with your mind. If that’s the case, you might want to consider registering for classes at Charles Xavier’s School for the Gifted. However, if, like majority of the human race, you aren’t blessed with really cool super powers, there are strategies you can adopt that will increase your likelihood of survival as proven by John Connor’s success. For those living under a rock somewhere in the Arctic, John Connor is the leader of the Resistance and if you had to ask that question, you have bigger problems than a Terminator being stuck to you like white on rice.

1. Just like joining the Witness Protection Program, you will need to assume a new identity. A Terminator will already be programmed to know your full name and to use whatever means necessary to track you down. Abandon the house, ditch the cell phone and car, clean out your bank account (you need as much cash as possible since it’s now become a matter of life and death that you cease using your credit cards), steal a car (or buy one…with cash…stealing is cheaper), cut ties with anyone you care about, and get the hell out of Dodge. This prospect may sadden you, but it’s better than being dead.
2. Based on hours of researching Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator 4: Salvation, and both seasons of the Sarah Connor Chronicles television series, it has become clear that the T-800 series machines (standard metal Terminators disguised to appear human) can not swim. They sink. Unfortunately, this does not mean they sink to the bottom of the ocean and remain there like the Titanic. However, in the time it will take the T-800 to walk to the nearest body of land, you will have swum far away from the danger. We recommend that you either move to an island or live the rest of your days on a boat in the middle of nowhere. Of course, this opens you up to the possibility of having to contend with shark infested waters, but you’ll have to decide which of these ordeals is the lesser of the two evils. It should be noted that if Skynet sends a T-1000 series machine (a liquid metal Terminator as seen in Judgment Day and Sarah Connor Chronicles) to terminate your ass, water environments will not be of assistance since that model is already a liquefied mass. Tough luck.
3. Do not engage the Terminator unless absolutely necessary. You will lose. We’re not being pessimistic. We’re being realistic. You’re small, weak, and pathetic. You cannot defeat a Terminator in a hand to hand fight.
4. If an altercation becomes unavoidable, you must defuse the Terminator as quickly as possible. With each passing minute that you engage in direct combat with a Terminator, the chances of your survival decrease. This does not mean that you should blindly fire bullets in the general direction of the Terminator. Not only will you look like an asshole, but that kind of behavior will most definitely lead to your quick death. In the case of a T-800, disengaging its chip is the most effective method of defeating it. Rendering the machine’s arms useless so that you’re able to get close enough to remove the chip yourself is the most obvious choice (for example, pin its body between the front end of your pick up truck and the cement foundation of a building). Carefully aimed bullet shots to the skull can also dislodge the chip. Once removed, it is vital that you destroy the chip.  Note: a T-1000 cannot be defeated in this manner. See Rule #5 for more details.
5. If you have the misfortune of being targeted by a T-1000, move to a location known for its active volcanoes. The only way to disassociate a T-1000’s molecular structure is to burn it at a temperature that you’re unable to generate on your own accord unless you’re Scott Summers (aka: Cyclops). This is where an active volcano comes in handy. Sneak up behind the T-1000 like a stealth ninja and push it into the boiling lava. Freezing your potential assassin will not destroy it. While it does give you the opportunity to get away for the time being, the T-1000 only remains dormant in its frozen state. One good heat wave will put it back on the prowl.
6. Being paranoid will keep you alive. The T-800’s can mimic the voice of anyone you’ve ever known. When receiving a call, you must confirm the voice at the other end really belongs to who they say they are. Ask specific questions. If this is an ex-lover, quiz them on what your favorite sexual positions are. Your friends and associates may think you’re crazy, but “better crazy than dead,” we always say. T-1000’s are infinitely trickier as they can assume the voice and physical identity of anyone they please. Again, trust no one, ask a lot of specific questions, and keep your distance until identity is confirmed or run the risk being stabbed in the face by an arm morphing into a blade. Always, always be prepared to run like hell. Right now, you might be saying, “But CEO’s, I thought I cut ties with everyone when I got the hell out of Dodge. How then will a Terminator be able to use this ploy against me?” You’re absolutely right. That is precisely what you should’ve done, but how many of you actually did that? We’ll bet that while a small band of people truly followed instructions, a good portion of you didn’t cut ties completely. The rest of you idiots probably kept your cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, and email accounts active. Hence, we present you with Rule #6.  
7. In the future, it is advised that you get in good with John Connor because he has the authority and resources to send what the Resistance fighters call a “scrubbed” (we call it, “reprogrammed”) Terminator back in time to protect you. It is imperative that you either become his BFF or an invaluable asset to the Resistance. Connor needs to care enough about your existence that he’d be motivated to send you a mechanical bodyguard from the future. Think logically. In Terminator, he sends Kyle Reese, a trusted soldier (who also turns out to be his father), to protect his mother, Sarah Connor. In Judgment Day, Rise of the Machines, and Sarah Connor Chronicles, he sends several “scrubbed” T-800’s to protect his younger self (and other assorted family members). As you can see he’s only used this technology to protect what’s most dear to him. You need to become as important to him as family or else you’re shit out of luck. If you’re female, we recommend manipulating Connor into knocking you up with his love child. Remember, this is a matter of life and death.

 Keep up the good fight, future Resistance fighters and never forget this piece of advice: if a Terminator shows up at your door with the request, “Come with me if you want to live,” you should probably listen. Terminators are programmed with specific missions (for example: Terminate John Connor), so if the machine hasn’t attempted to kill you on sight, you can rest assured that you’re probably golden.