Tip #10: How to Survive When Stalked by a Terminator

Let’s face it. You’re pretty much screwed if you find yourself in this situation, unless you can outrun bullets or stop their trajectory with your mind. If that’s the case, you might want to consider registering for classes at Charles Xavier’s School for the Gifted. However, if, like majority of the human race, you aren’t blessed with really cool super powers, there are strategies you can adopt that will increase your likelihood of survival as proven by John Connor’s success. For those living under a rock somewhere in the Arctic, John Connor is the leader of the Resistance and if you had to ask that question, you have bigger problems than a Terminator being stuck to you like white on rice.

1. Just like joining the Witness Protection Program, you will need to assume a new identity. A Terminator will already be programmed to know your full name and to use whatever means necessary to track you down. Abandon the house, ditch the cell phone and car, clean out your bank account (you need as much cash as possible since it’s now become a matter of life and death that you cease using your credit cards), steal a car (or buy one…with cash…stealing is cheaper), cut ties with anyone you care about, and get the hell out of Dodge. This prospect may sadden you, but it’s better than being dead.
2. Based on hours of researching Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator 4: Salvation, and both seasons of the Sarah Connor Chronicles television series, it has become clear that the T-800 series machines (standard metal Terminators disguised to appear human) can not swim. They sink. Unfortunately, this does not mean they sink to the bottom of the ocean and remain there like the Titanic. However, in the time it will take the T-800 to walk to the nearest body of land, you will have swum far away from the danger. We recommend that you either move to an island or live the rest of your days on a boat in the middle of nowhere. Of course, this opens you up to the possibility of having to contend with shark infested waters, but you’ll have to decide which of these ordeals is the lesser of the two evils. It should be noted that if Skynet sends a T-1000 series machine (a liquid metal Terminator as seen in Judgment Day and Sarah Connor Chronicles) to terminate your ass, water environments will not be of assistance since that model is already a liquefied mass. Tough luck.
3. Do not engage the Terminator unless absolutely necessary. You will lose. We’re not being pessimistic. We’re being realistic. You’re small, weak, and pathetic. You cannot defeat a Terminator in a hand to hand fight.
4. If an altercation becomes unavoidable, you must defuse the Terminator as quickly as possible. With each passing minute that you engage in direct combat with a Terminator, the chances of your survival decrease. This does not mean that you should blindly fire bullets in the general direction of the Terminator. Not only will you look like an asshole, but that kind of behavior will most definitely lead to your quick death. In the case of a T-800, disengaging its chip is the most effective method of defeating it. Rendering the machine’s arms useless so that you’re able to get close enough to remove the chip yourself is the most obvious choice (for example, pin its body between the front end of your pick up truck and the cement foundation of a building). Carefully aimed bullet shots to the skull can also dislodge the chip. Once removed, it is vital that you destroy the chip.  Note: a T-1000 cannot be defeated in this manner. See Rule #5 for more details.
5. If you have the misfortune of being targeted by a T-1000, move to a location known for its active volcanoes. The only way to disassociate a T-1000’s molecular structure is to burn it at a temperature that you’re unable to generate on your own accord unless you’re Scott Summers (aka: Cyclops). This is where an active volcano comes in handy. Sneak up behind the T-1000 like a stealth ninja and push it into the boiling lava. Freezing your potential assassin will not destroy it. While it does give you the opportunity to get away for the time being, the T-1000 only remains dormant in its frozen state. One good heat wave will put it back on the prowl.
6. Being paranoid will keep you alive. The T-800’s can mimic the voice of anyone you’ve ever known. When receiving a call, you must confirm the voice at the other end really belongs to who they say they are. Ask specific questions. If this is an ex-lover, quiz them on what your favorite sexual positions are. Your friends and associates may think you’re crazy, but “better crazy than dead,” we always say. T-1000’s are infinitely trickier as they can assume the voice and physical identity of anyone they please. Again, trust no one, ask a lot of specific questions, and keep your distance until identity is confirmed or run the risk being stabbed in the face by an arm morphing into a blade. Always, always be prepared to run like hell. Right now, you might be saying, “But CEO’s, I thought I cut ties with everyone when I got the hell out of Dodge. How then will a Terminator be able to use this ploy against me?” You’re absolutely right. That is precisely what you should’ve done, but how many of you actually did that? We’ll bet that while a small band of people truly followed instructions, a good portion of you didn’t cut ties completely. The rest of you idiots probably kept your cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, and email accounts active. Hence, we present you with Rule #6.  
7. In the future, it is advised that you get in good with John Connor because he has the authority and resources to send what the Resistance fighters call a “scrubbed” (we call it, “reprogrammed”) Terminator back in time to protect you. It is imperative that you either become his BFF or an invaluable asset to the Resistance. Connor needs to care enough about your existence that he’d be motivated to send you a mechanical bodyguard from the future. Think logically. In Terminator, he sends Kyle Reese, a trusted soldier (who also turns out to be his father), to protect his mother, Sarah Connor. In Judgment Day, Rise of the Machines, and Sarah Connor Chronicles, he sends several “scrubbed” T-800’s to protect his younger self (and other assorted family members). As you can see he’s only used this technology to protect what’s most dear to him. You need to become as important to him as family or else you’re shit out of luck. If you’re female, we recommend manipulating Connor into knocking you up with his love child. Remember, this is a matter of life and death.

 Keep up the good fight, future Resistance fighters and never forget this piece of advice: if a Terminator shows up at your door with the request, “Come with me if you want to live,” you should probably listen. Terminators are programmed with specific missions (for example: Terminate John Connor), so if the machine hasn’t attempted to kill you on sight, you can rest assured that you’re probably golden.