Tip #18: How to Remain Single

Marriage and monogamous relationships, in general, are becoming epidemic. In some cases, the epidemic provides a warm, comforting blanket to the individuals infected. However, there are many folks terrified by this plague for varying reasons. Some feel that by entering into marriage, they are giving up a sense of themselves, of their independence and equate commitment with death. Others fear making the wrong decision. The concept of spending an eternity with the same woman or man that turns out to be the very living embodiment of Satan is simply too much to bear; therefore they shun the idea of marriage altogether, preferring the comforts of familiarity to the fear of the unknown. It is these individuals that we’ve catered to with this survival tip.

1.    When spending time in a public forum that’s ripe for potential socialization, it’s best to appear unapproachable. Do not make eye contact with the other patrons. If applicable, maintain focus on the television screen even if it’s something preposterous like gerbil racing. If there’s an empty seat next to you, fill it with your coat or handbag so as to prevent a stranger from feeling friendly enough to sit down and strike up a conversation with you. If someone fails to pick up on these anti-social vibes you’re throwing down, use minimal words to express yourself, do not make eye contact, seem enthralled with your food, appear totally bored with them, etc. You get the point.

2.    Deodorant. In this case, it’s not your friend. It’s unfortunate that this will result in alienating some of (or majority of) your peers, friends, and family, but this is a necessary casualty of war. You don’t want to seem attractive to the opposite sex. Let’s face it. No one wants to bang stinky.

3.    It goes without saying that mean people suck. If you’re a big enough asshole, there’s not a sane person on this planet that’s going to want to date you. Just tone it down a notch for family and friends. You want to be single, not ostracized. You also don’t want your ass kicked.

4.    Eliminate flair. It’s great that you have eclectic hobbies and a great personality, however that’s exactly that kind of crap that’s going to land you a significant other. Keep the scintillating aspects of your person to yourself. It’s important to appear as bland as possible to the opposite sex otherwise you may give the impression that you are a “catch.” When attempting to channel this inner bore, try to imagine that you’re a saltine cracker. Saltine crackers are functional, but there’s absolutely nothing interesting about them.

5.    If you’re someone who may not want to commit to one dish in particular, but still want to partake in the buffet, steps #1 through 4 are not for you. Steps #5 and onward will cover getting action without committing to one flavor. For those of you strictly interested in one-night stands and nothing more, there is no need to even exchange phone numbers with the person you had sex with. In fact, last names are unnecessary as well seeing as how that opens the door for that person to stalk you out on Facebook. There IS, however, a great need for you to use a condom. It’s called STD’s and accidental pregnancy, neither of which are appealing. Google it if you don’t believe us.

6.    Perhaps the idea of a one-night stand repulses you slightly. You’d like to keep your “Number” a reasonably low one. You don’t want to risk venereal diseases or disgusting potential mates with an extraordinarily high “Number.” You’re good with having a consistent partner (or two) as long as it doesn’t require you to alter your single status. In order to accomplish that, it’s important not to present yourself as too available or else you run the risk of being unknowingly backed into a relationship. You do not need to respond to every stupid phone call and text message. You do not need to see each other every weekend. “Date Night” is not something that you should allow yourself to be sucked into. “Date Night” is for couples, something you have no desire to be a part of. You are also not a wedding date. Again, being sucked into a wedding that you were not invited to yourself is something that only happens to people in relationships. Always attend a wedding stag. You never know who you’re going to meet and having a date with you will only weigh you down.

7.    Do not let any of your penetration partners store shit at your home. On the flipside, do not store any of your shit at their home. Your place is yours. Their place is theirs. Never shall the two meet. Keeping things separated is the only way you can truly keep your lives separate. Once you start allowing your bedmate to encroach on your territory, the game is over.

8.    Needless to say, there is absolutely no reason to have this person you’re being noncommittal about meet your family or for you to meet theirs. Meeting the family allows an individual to gain insight to who you are, which is way too personal for someone you don’t care about. If you have no plans of bumping this individual up from bedmate to boyfriend/girlfriend, what is the point in complicating matters?

9.    No sleepovers. If you’re just looking for sex without any sort of emotional attachment, there is absolutely no reason to sleep with this person. Sleeping together implies a sense of intimacy. Intimacy toes the line of relationship, whether it’s a fully committed one or a quasi-committed one.

There is a fine line between having a detached sexual relationship and a casual, but meaningful one. Before getting yourself involved with an individual, you need to decide what you’re looking for. If you actually have or want emotional ties to the person you’re casually sleeping with, but still do not want a commitment, the above steps are not going to help you. They’re designed to keep your partner at an arm’s length at all times, limiting emotional involvement. They’re designed to ensure complete and total independence. In fact, following these steps is pretty much a guarantee that the person you feel affection for will avoid sleeping with you at all costs. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

Are You Ready?

Shark Week 2013 is coming! And its never too early to start preparing

Tip #17: How to be Late to Work Without Suffering the Consequences

Let’s face it. We’ve all been late to work before. In some cases, there are those who are late on a consistent basis (The CEO’s, on the other hand, are never late for a job unless it’s strategically beneficial). We’re here to tell you that being late isn’t the problem. It’s the aftermath of being late that hurts.

1.    The simplest way to avoid punishment is to not get caught. Take the back door and/or whatever route to your desk that will avoid 98% of the office population. Slide into your chair, turn on your computer, and start shuffling papers and files around as if you’re actively working on something so that to any random passerby, it looks as if you’ve been there the entire time.

2.    If you’re busted arriving late, be apologetic. Apologizing will go over a lot smoother than kicking your boss in the groin and running away in a zig-zag pattern.

3.    Having a good reason for bad behavior often garners sympathy from figures of authority. Think about it. Does anyone get pissed off at Superman for destroying the city after he single-handedly prevents a trio of creepy black leather-clad beings hailed from another planet from eradicating the city’s population? No! They applaud his heroics! Here are a few suggestions that have worked for us in the past:

·         “I was in a car accident. I’m a little shaken up, but thankfully no injuries.” Just make sure there aren’t any witnesses to shut down this excuse. We did have an instance in which a fellow claimed he’d be in an accident and it turned out that he had been in an accident…the night before in the office parking lot in front of several of his peers. His bumper was left on his manager’s desk.

·         “I was just about to leave the house, which would’ve guaranteed that I would’ve been here on time, when Zombieland came on. I don’t know why, but every time that movie is on, I have to sit and watch it through the end no matter what I’m doing. It’s a sickness. I don’t know what to do about it.” This excuse is so bizarre that there’s no way your boss will think you’re lying, hence the genius of it. Sure, he/she may think you’re mentally unstable, but at the most, all he/she will be able to do to you is recommend you seek therapy (which you’ll gladly do because then you can use your appointments as excuses to leave work early).

·         “Instead of getting dressed for work when my alarm went off, I stayed in bed to play with myself, so it took a bit longer for me to get ready than usual, which of course, got me on the road later than usual, and now here we are.” This is especially effective if you’re a woman with a straight male boss. Combine this excuse with big boobs (or a push up bra) and a low cut blouse and we pretty much have a no-fail situation. While less effective with a straight female boss, she should be able to at least understand where you’re coming from.

·         “My friend and I couldn’t fathom why there didn’t exist such a thing as an email high-five, so we spent the better part of the morning writing the perfect HTML code to create one in an effort to improve communication across the email galaxy. It took some time, but the good news is that we’re really on to something big here. It’s groundbreaking stuff.” As you can see, this shows your boss that you were late for legitimate work-related issues as opposed to being late because you’re lazy and inept. Actually, since it’s work-related, you’re technically not even late! You may even get a promotion for taking the initiative to create something fresh and exciting and to do it outside of your scheduled work shift.

4.    Sometimes, it’s not your boss that’s going to nail you to the cross. There are occasions when the person itching to string you up is the office’s token “Dwight Schrute.” He/she wants to be well-liked by the boss, which will hopefully lead to advancement. In order to do this, he/she is willing to sacrifice as many people as possible. Removing this obstacle is an easy matter, but it requires stealth and a pair of balls. Either you have to be ballsy enough to call the professionals (i.e. Mako Services, Inc.) to eliminate the problem on your behalf or competent enough to do it yourself. Once the example has been set, no one will ever tattle on you again.

Obviously, the easiest way to avoid getting into trouble for being late is to not be late, but we at Mako Services, Inc. strongly feel that there are some things that are just not worth being on time to. Unless you are a ninja assassin, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, fire fighter, and/or EMT, there’s just no good reason for you to arrive at your place of employment on time. We understand. However, your straight-laced and non-innovative superiors will not understand. Therefore, keep some believable and reliable excuses handy at all times.

Dear Distressed Dad

We've received the below email from the one who calls himself, "Distressed Dad." Since the CEO's of Mako Services, Inc. are apparently now the equivalent of a deranged "Dear Abby," we've decided to share it with the public.

Dear Mako Services,
Recently while cleaning up some old files on a computer, my teenage daughter found an computer graphic illustration (attached) that she had done on a school computer back when she was about 11 or 12 years old.  In all other ways she seems relatively normal, but still, given this image...should I be concerned?   - Distressed Dad

This is is our answer to you, Distressed Dad. What your daughter has depicted here is called, "The Circle of Life." You've probably heard of it. You seem like the kind of person who has spent countless hours absorbing every minute detail of The Lion King and its soundtrack. Your daughter clearly has a healthy grasp on reality. She will not be duped by visions of sugar plum fairies and candy canes. She understands that what the future holds is not a colorful, magical land filled with centaurs, griffins, minotaurs, and a giant talking lion named Aslan who consistently manages to save the day at the last hour. The famous Dread Pirate Roberts summed it up perfectly when he said, "Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." 

What we suggest to you, Distressed Dad, is that you learn a lesson from your dear daughter here. She obviously has the smarts that you're in need of. Stop watching The Lion King and consider watching something more meaningful like 300. They're all beautiful men with perfectly crafted abs who are remembered for their heroic sacrifice on behalf of their country, but the fact remains that they all die at the end. What a waste of muscle.

Sincerely,
The CEO's

New PSA Released Regarding Ethical Treatment of Zombies

In this new PSA regarding the ethical treatment of zombies, Zachary Levi asks that we stop dicking around when confronting a flesh-eating zombie and simply aim for the head. While we don't care much for the warm and fuzzy nature of this PSA, we can't help but applaud Levi for stressing the importance of taking a zombie bitch out by the head! It's what we've been saying all along!

Thank YOU, Mr. Levi for shedding additional light on this dilemna...even if it was delivered in a saccharine promotion of civil rights kind of way.

Remember, kids. Attempting to torture a zombie instead of killing it outright is much like toying with a venemous snake. Eventually, the snake will bite you and prompt an inevitiable and painful death. You're just not quite sure when.

Tip #16: How to Survive a Hurricane

With the entire eastern seaboard monitoring Hurricane Irene and of course, panicking as if we’re about to be hit by a meteor, we felt it time to educate you simple folks on surviving a hurricane.

Be sure you have all the tools necessary to hold down the fort for an extended period of time without power (which means no television, internet machines, or cable. You understand?). The essentials are as follows:

1.    A ridiculously large amount batteries in all sizes (INCLUDING back up batteries for your cell phones). Even if you think you’ve got more batteries than a small country could ever use in a lifetime, you haven’t got enough. Just think of all the items you’ll be using that require batteries and you don’t know how long you’ll be without electricity. Seriously. Just THINK about all the things you can use batteries for.

2.    Flashlights. Thank goodness you have all those batteries, right?

3.    Candles in different sizes, shapes, colors, and scents. It’s important to have a variety. You don’t want to get sick of something that you may be stuck with for a long period of time.

4.    Reading material – books, magazines, pornos, dictionaries, Mad Libs, whatever will help you pass the time that typically would’ve been spent watching television and Facebook stalking.

5.    Toys in varying speeds, sizes, functions. You don’t want to become bored with using the same one over and over. Besides, what ELSE are you going to do if you’re alone?

6.    Vaseline. It serves more purposes than you may realize. Trust us.

7.    Handcuffs and assorted tethers…you know…in case you’re shacked up with a friend and you’re bored…OH! And in case someone tries to break into your home to steal your crap. Yup. That’s it.

8.    On the subject of B & E’s, an array weapons for protection purposes. It’s a mad world out there. In times of crisis, people will do absolutely anything in order to acquire what they need to survive. Automatic weapons, semi-automatic weapons, sniper rifles, knives, baseball bats, explosives, etc. can all be counted on to properly defend your home. The more the merrier, we always say. You can never have too much fire power. It should go without saying that you should be able to actually operate these weapons. Don’t just stock up on crap you have no idea how to use. That will accomplish absolutely nothing, but it will increase the likelihood of getting yourself killed (which might actually do the rest of us a favor).  

9.    Enough non-perishable food items and water to feed a small army, even if it’s just you. Better safe than sorry. You don’t want to make a gross miscalculation and then be forced to eat your beloved pet. You’ll never forgive yourself and we won’t be able to forgive you either, which means that when this is all over, Mako Services, Inc. will be coming for you. Have we made ourselves clear?

10. A fully stocked first aid kit for obvious reasons. Maybe we should’ve listed this higher on the list…

11. Rain gear. It gets a little wet during a hurricane.

12. A rowboat, raft, or a canoe in case of flooding and transportation becomes necessary.

13. Umbrella. Like we said in #12, it gets a little wet during a hurricane.

14. A way to heat up food, water, etc. The manner in which you accomplish this is entirely up to you. Just keep in mind that there’s no electricity so anything that requires being plugged into an outlet in order to work is not an option.

Things that aren’t vital, but are nice to have:

1. Crowbar to assist you in opening things that may be blocked…or beat someone over the head that might be trying to steal something from you or who is a zombie.
2. Goggles to help you see better in water.
3. Floaties to help promote floatation. 
4. Lingerie. No need to let yourself go just because a natural disaster is upon us.
5. A nurse or doctor’s outfit so that you can volunteer your services at the local hospital, which will probably need as much help as it can get. Of course, if you’re feeling selfish, this item will be of no use to you so feel free to disregard it. It’s just nice to have.
6. Air mattress. If your house becomes flooded, an air mattress will suit your needs better than a standard-issued mattress.

These lists can be used to plan for any impending natural disaster...or kegger to be quite honest. Unfortunately, if you are like most Americans, you probably have none of these items handy and will have to contend with the other idiots running amuck and ransacking the local supermarkets and sex shops to stock up. Just remember that had you prepared in advance, you could’ve be sitting on the couch, drinking your bottle of Jameson right now, relaxing, and waiting for the world to end.

Tip #15: "I am an earthquake survivor!"

I’ll tell you, living on the East Coast and never having experienced an earthquake before, I really did not know what to expect. In fact, I did not even know at first that it WAS an earthquake. I thought maybe someone was onto my secret alias and bombed my building in an attempt to eliminate me.

But once the ground started shaking more profusely, I realized what was going on.  I immediately jumped up, grabbed my bag, tape, walkie talkie and the hardhat from my supervisors chair. Running through the ground level of the hospital, I did my civic duty of warning everyone to get out of the building. “Everyone get out! The building is collapsing!! We need to get out now! Now! Now!” As people started panicking and racing around grabbing their belongings, I made my way upstairs into the heart of the Emergency Department. I continued warning everyone of the imminent destruction of the hospital and began pushing patients out the doors to help the attending physicians evacuate the bedridden, poor, helpless souls. I was very noble and selfless in my endeavors to save everyone.

I ran up the 3 flights of stairs and over to the psych ward warning everyone I saw along the way. All the nurses were panicking and unsure about what to do or how to keep the crazy patients from jumping out the windows. Barbed wire, perhaps? I expressed to them my concern for these patients and turning back to look, I noticed they were running in zigzag patterns screaming about the end of the world and wearing strapped on helmets. Look at these crazies. I directed them to the stairs and started arguing that they needed to trust me and get as far away from the building as possible! “Get off of the campus and across the street!”

I continue up the stairs. The building swaying me back and forth on the staircase. The cemented walls starting to break behind the foam padding, I can hear it cracking and see the shifting as I make my way further up the building not thinking for a second about my own life or the fact that I may die here in this god forsaken hospital. I should have taken the job at St Francis. Further and further I climbed simultaneously warning everyone as the building showed its instability.

Finally. I reached the very top. and tried my best to get everyone out. Then, out of nowhere, the shaking desists. What? I intercommed the security office from my portable communication device…

“Eagle Eye to Base! Come in base! Whats going on? The quake seems to have dissipated.  Are we dead?”

“No, you asshole! It was just a minor tremor! Residuals from an earthquake in Virginia. You got to be kidding me! You made everyone panic! There are psychiatric patients being sent to the ER from getting hit by cars cause YOU told them to run across the street!!! What is wrong with you!?”

Oops.

Later that day, I was greeted by the Chief Security Officer of the hospital who was, well, less than pleased with my efforts. He put me on probation for 6 months and mandated that I do “hospital service” for the full term to help out and repair the mental damage I apparently did to the psych patients.

I actually became very good friends with a few of them. Turns out we have a lot in common. Go Figure.