Tip #3: How to Survive in Shark Infested Waters

Sharks are the oceans’ Apex predator and one of the planet’s oldest living species. While sharks are among nature’s top predators, we are insignificant and useless beings residing at the bottom of the food chain. Despite our lowly status in the grand scheme of things, we seem to feel entitled to be a part of every modicum this world’s makeup. Quite often, once we get our grubby, meddlesome hands on it, we screw it up, as appears the case with our world’s marine life.

It comes to no surprise that as water leisure activities became more popular, the frequency of shark attacks increased. It should not be assumed that the reason for this is that the sharks have become more aggressive or fixated on a human flesh diet. It’s merely the result of statistics. The more often you venture into their habitat, the higher the likelihood of you encountering a shark. If this is a prospect that greatly frightens you, then keep your pansy ass out of the ocean.

However, since there are many “non-pansy” asses or asses that are simply imbecilic, we’re confident that the population willing to risk shark encounters for the sake of aquatic activities far outweighs those who aren’t. Therefore, we’ve provided you with a variety of tips on how to survive in shark infested waters:

1. Don’t be an idiot. This general rule applies to a variety of poor decisions that could be made in the water. If you, for a moment feel that, “Hmmm. This may not be the brightest idea,” cease the activity. It could save your life. Examples of this type of stupidity include, but are not limited to: cannonball diving into the middle of a school of frenzied sharks, willingly swimming in the ocean with an open and actively bleeding wound (or with someone who has an open and actively bleeding wound for that matter), antagonizing a shark by poking it with a stick or grabbing its tail, giving shark wrangling a whirl (remember: you are not Carter Blake in Deep Blue Sea), or attempting to see inside a shark’s mouth.
2. If you insist on swimming in the ocean, avoid swimming with your beloved dog. If there’s a shark in the vicinity, your charming pet’s erratic swimming technique will surely attract its attention, almost certainly guaranteeing an attack. It should also go without saying that adopting your dog’s swim style is not advised.
3. If you have the misfortune of being forced into a situation with sharks without any sign of immediate escape, your first step is to remain calm and avoid splashing around as much as possible.
4. If, for some reason, you happen to be bleeding, it is important that you stop the blood flow quickly. You can use a piece of your clothing as a tourniquet (hopefully, you’re not naked or else you’re shit out of luck). If possible, remove the injury from the water. Loss of blood could lead to a loss of consciousness, which in the middle of the ocean, will also lead to drowning. Lose enough blood, your organs will begin to fail and you will die (just so you’re aware, this principle also applies to bleeding while on land). Finally, blood in the water attracts sharks. Sharks cruising into your locale to explore the situation rarely turn out to be a good thing…for you anyway.
5. Assess your surroundings. Do you see anything that could potentially be used as a weapon? A piece of driftwood could suffice. A poke to the nose of a curious shark may be enough to deter it from investigating further. No weapons? Not ideal, but you’ll have to make do with your hands and feet to deter an approaching shark and prevent the “investigative bite” that scientists often refer to. A shark’s nose, eyes, and gills are especially sensitive, so a quick jab to any of these regions should do the trick. Of course, if you’re able to get close enough to the eyes to do damage, the state of affairs are probably becoming pretty bleak for you. Do not bother beating the top of a shark with your fists. It is an ineffective waste of your time because their bodies are built like solid tanks and the softest part of their bodies is their undercarriage. Plus, the sandpapery surface is rough enough to cause damage to your pathetic, unprotected, and wimpy skin. Damage = Blood. Refer back to #4 regarding what happens when blood enters the scenario.

Remember: Despite carefully following these guidelines, if you’re not rescued within a relatively short period of time, you’ll still die. You’re not a fish and cannot reasonably expect that you’ll be able to float around in the middle of the sea for eternity. If you’re bleeding, survival time is shortened even more so. Plus, surviving long periods of time without food or fresh water is impossible unless you’re a zombie. If you’re a zombie, we’re not quite sure what you’re doing in the middle of the ocean anyway. In fact, if you are a zombie, please refrain from swimming in the open water at all as the potential for a shark to feed on you is high and the concept of a zombie shark is utterly terrifying.