Thursday, August 25, 2011

Tip #16: How to Survive a Hurricane

With the entire eastern seaboard monitoring Hurricane Irene and of course, panicking as if we’re about to be hit by a meteor, we felt it time to educate you simple folks on surviving a hurricane.

Be sure you have all the tools necessary to hold down the fort for an extended period of time without power (which means no television, internet machines, or cable. You understand?). The essentials are as follows:
1.    A ridiculously large amount batteries in all sizes (INCLUDING back up batteries for your cell phones). Even if you think you’ve got more batteries than a small country could ever use in a lifetime, you haven’t got enough. Just think of all the items you’ll be using that require batteries and you don’t know how long you’ll be without electricity. Seriously. Just THINK about all the things you can use batteries for.
2.    Flashlights. Thank goodness you have all those batteries, right?
3.    Candles in different sizes, shapes, colors, and scents. It’s important to have a variety. You don’t want to get sick of something that you may be stuck with for a long period of time.
4.    Reading material – books, magazines, pornos, dictionaries, Mad Libs, whatever will help you pass the time that typically would’ve been spent watching television and Facebook stalking.
5.    Toys in varying speeds, sizes, functions. You don’t want to become bored with using the same one over and over. Besides, what ELSE are you going to do if you’re alone?
6.    Vaseline. It serves more purposes than you may realize. Trust us.
7.    Handcuffs and assorted tethers…you know…in case you’re shacked up with a friend and you’re bored…OH! And in case someone tries to break into your home to steal your crap. Yup. That’s it.
8.    On the subject of B & E’s, an array weapons for protection purposes. It’s a mad world out there. In times of crisis, people will do absolutely anything in order to acquire what they need to survive. Automatic weapons, semi-automatic weapons, sniper rifles, knives, baseball bats, explosives, etc. can all be counted on to properly defend your home. The more the merrier, we always say. You can never have too much fire power. It should go without saying that you should be able to actually operate these weapons. Don’t just stock up on crap you have no idea how to use. That will accomplish absolutely nothing, but it will increase the likelihood of getting yourself killed (which might actually do the rest of us a favor).  
9.    Enough non-perishable food items and water to feed a small army, even if it’s just you. Better safe than sorry. You don’t want to make a gross miscalculation and then be forced to eat your beloved pet. You’ll never forgive yourself and we won’t be able to forgive you either, which means that when this is all over, Mako Services, Inc. will be coming for you. Have we made ourselves clear?
10. A fully stocked first aid kit for obvious reasons. Maybe we should’ve listed this higher on the list…
11. Rain gear. It gets a little wet during a hurricane.
12. A rowboat, raft, or a canoe in case of flooding and transportation becomes necessary.
13. Umbrella. Like we said in #12, it gets a little wet during a hurricane.
14. A way to heat up food, water, etc. The manner in which you accomplish this is entirely up to you. Just keep in mind that there’s no electricity so anything that requires being plugged into an outlet in order to work is not an option.

Things that aren’t vital, but are nice to have:
  1. Crowbar to assist you in opening things that may be blocked…or beat someone over the head that might be trying to steal something from you or who is a zombie.
  2. Goggles to help you see better in water.
  3. Floaties to help promote floatation. 
  4. Lingerie. No need to let yourself go just because a natural disaster is upon us.
  5. A nurse or doctor’s outfit so that you can volunteer your services at the local hospital, which will probably need as much help as it can get. Of course, if you’re feeling selfish, this item will be of no use to you so feel free to disregard it. It’s just nice to have.
  6. Air mattress. If your house becomes flooded, an air mattress will suit your needs better than a standard-issued mattress.
These lists can be used to plan for any impending natural disaster...or kegger to be quite honest. Unfortunately, if you are like most Americans, you probably have none of these items handy and will have to contend with the other idiots running amuck and ransacking the local supermarkets and sex shops to stock up. Just remember that had you prepared in advance, you could’ve be sitting on the couch, drinking your bottle of Jameson right now, relaxing, and waiting for the world to end.

2 comments:

  1. Agent I - Primary PersonalityAugust 26, 2011 at 2:35 PM

    A very well written advisory indeed honorable co-CEOs and future co-Captain Planets. I would like to point out that people often forget a very common remedy when they find themselves unprepared in the wake of a disaster. Ofcourse, it's usually the simple things that often slip our minds. You know what I'm talking about. Yes, yes indeed, I'm talking about the age old tradition of Looting. When you look past the social stigma, public unrest, lost wages, collateral damage, property destruction, utter chaos, and sudden dismemberment, Looting is a very viable option to gather the supplies necessary for the safety and security of you and your pet alpaca.

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  2. An excellent point, Agent I. Looting, of course, is the very reason we advised folks to stock up on protection devices in item line #8.

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