Tip #16: How to Survive a Hurricane

With the entire eastern seaboard monitoring Hurricane Irene and of course, panicking as if we’re about to be hit by a meteor, we felt it time to educate you simple folks on surviving a hurricane.

Be sure you have all the tools necessary to hold down the fort for an extended period of time without power (which means no television, internet machines, or cable. You understand?). The essentials are as follows:

1.    A ridiculously large amount batteries in all sizes (INCLUDING back up batteries for your cell phones). Even if you think you’ve got more batteries than a small country could ever use in a lifetime, you haven’t got enough. Just think of all the items you’ll be using that require batteries and you don’t know how long you’ll be without electricity. Seriously. Just THINK about all the things you can use batteries for.

2.    Flashlights. Thank goodness you have all those batteries, right?

3.    Candles in different sizes, shapes, colors, and scents. It’s important to have a variety. You don’t want to get sick of something that you may be stuck with for a long period of time.

4.    Reading material – books, magazines, pornos, dictionaries, Mad Libs, whatever will help you pass the time that typically would’ve been spent watching television and Facebook stalking.

5.    Toys in varying speeds, sizes, functions. You don’t want to become bored with using the same one over and over. Besides, what ELSE are you going to do if you’re alone?

6.    Vaseline. It serves more purposes than you may realize. Trust us.

7.    Handcuffs and assorted tethers…you know…in case you’re shacked up with a friend and you’re bored…OH! And in case someone tries to break into your home to steal your crap. Yup. That’s it.

8.    On the subject of B & E’s, an array weapons for protection purposes. It’s a mad world out there. In times of crisis, people will do absolutely anything in order to acquire what they need to survive. Automatic weapons, semi-automatic weapons, sniper rifles, knives, baseball bats, explosives, etc. can all be counted on to properly defend your home. The more the merrier, we always say. You can never have too much fire power. It should go without saying that you should be able to actually operate these weapons. Don’t just stock up on crap you have no idea how to use. That will accomplish absolutely nothing, but it will increase the likelihood of getting yourself killed (which might actually do the rest of us a favor).  

9.    Enough non-perishable food items and water to feed a small army, even if it’s just you. Better safe than sorry. You don’t want to make a gross miscalculation and then be forced to eat your beloved pet. You’ll never forgive yourself and we won’t be able to forgive you either, which means that when this is all over, Mako Services, Inc. will be coming for you. Have we made ourselves clear?

10. A fully stocked first aid kit for obvious reasons. Maybe we should’ve listed this higher on the list…

11. Rain gear. It gets a little wet during a hurricane.

12. A rowboat, raft, or a canoe in case of flooding and transportation becomes necessary.

13. Umbrella. Like we said in #12, it gets a little wet during a hurricane.

14. A way to heat up food, water, etc. The manner in which you accomplish this is entirely up to you. Just keep in mind that there’s no electricity so anything that requires being plugged into an outlet in order to work is not an option.

Things that aren’t vital, but are nice to have:

1. Crowbar to assist you in opening things that may be blocked…or beat someone over the head that might be trying to steal something from you or who is a zombie.
2. Goggles to help you see better in water.
3. Floaties to help promote floatation. 
4. Lingerie. No need to let yourself go just because a natural disaster is upon us.
5. A nurse or doctor’s outfit so that you can volunteer your services at the local hospital, which will probably need as much help as it can get. Of course, if you’re feeling selfish, this item will be of no use to you so feel free to disregard it. It’s just nice to have.
6. Air mattress. If your house becomes flooded, an air mattress will suit your needs better than a standard-issued mattress.

These lists can be used to plan for any impending natural disaster...or kegger to be quite honest. Unfortunately, if you are like most Americans, you probably have none of these items handy and will have to contend with the other idiots running amuck and ransacking the local supermarkets and sex shops to stock up. Just remember that had you prepared in advance, you could’ve be sitting on the couch, drinking your bottle of Jameson right now, relaxing, and waiting for the world to end.

Tip #12: Handling Eavesdroppers

Human beings by nature are curious creatures. If we weren’t, we’d never know the wonder of the light bulb, penicillin, or Reese’s peanut butter cups. The arrival of the internet has cultivated this trait. Thanks to readily available and informative websites such as WebMD and Wikipedia, we can now approach our physicians with pages upon pages of printouts detailing the variety of cancers and autoimmune diseases that correlate to our symptoms. Google Maps and MapQuest have retired the use of roadmaps.

While the internet has clearly fed our desires to know more, the introduction of social networks like MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter has completely exploited it. “Peggy Johnson is burning off the calories at cardio kickboxing!” Who gives a shit? Unfortunately, enough people “liking” or leaving idiotic feedback on these mundane statuses promotes this type of behavior and as a result, it becomes a never ending cycle of nonsense that Peggy shares with the world. Since we’ve become so used to knowing Peggy’s every single activity, thought, and thanks to foursquare, her location at any given time of the day, we feel the need to know everyone’s activities, thoughts, and location even though we’re not entitled to know.

For individuals with a modicum of intelligence, this invasion of personal space is truly terrifying. However, the situation becomes further exacerbated when the invading person is not only someone who you haven’t willingly disclosed information to, but also someone who shares your personal business with anyone who’ll listen. Nothing infuriates the CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. more than assholes that air other people’s dirty laundry…except maybe slow drivers or Taco Bells that fail to offer packets of Fire sauce to their customers. It’s for that reason that we’ve chosen to arm our minions with the skills necessary to survive an eavesdropper assault and to strike back.

1. Pretending that the eavesdropper doesn’t exist is not an acceptable defense tactic. You may think that by ignoring the individual, they’ll eventually tire of you and stop listening to your conversation, but this assumption is a mistake. Conducting your conversation as though no one is listening guarantees that the eavesdropper is going to pay attention to every single word you say and will most likely repeat it to someone else.
2. You need to come to terms with the fact that an eavesdropper, no matter how many dirty looks you shoot their way, will remain an eavesdropper until the day they eavesdrop on a conversation that finds them in the same situation as Jimmy Hoffa. There is nothing you can do short of “eliminating” the individual that will change an eavesdropper’s behavior patterns. Just accept it.
3. Now that you’ve accepted the faults of your adversary, you need to learn how to combat them or else prepare for the entire office (and potentially people who’ve never met you) to know about that bartender you had sex with on your cruise to the Caribbean last month. Once you’re aware that your eavesdropper has joined your conversation, make sure it becomes as uncomfortable as possible for them to listen. Anything of importance should be conveyed to your confident in a low, clear voice so that he/she can hear you, but your eavesdropper is unable to. Throughout the conversation, raise your voice and randomly insert an awkward word so as to turn off your eavesdropper. Examples of words or phrases that would function in this aspect include, but are not limited to, yeast infection, menstrual cycle, Chlamydia, crooked penises, cancer, gynecologist, nipple hair, Herpes, infection, poop, diarrhea, and UTI. The goal here is to either disgust or freak out your opponent so much that he/she will never want to listen in on your conversations again.
4. Should the above step backfire and you find yourself in a situation where the office suddenly thinks that you have Chlamydia, Herpes, diarrhea, and an UTI, understand that your foe is more deviant than previously thought. Clearly, there’s nothing that this sick person won’t latch onto and spread like a rash. The good news is that their hunger to repeat other people’s filth can become their undoing. Within earshot of your eavesdropper, plant the seed of deceit. Slyly mention to a trustworthy partner in crime that you saw the new PM necking with your boss’ secretary last night during a late showing of Eclipse. Everyone knows that interoffice relationships are a definite violation your company’s policy.  Your eavesdropper is sure to regurgitate this (most likely to your boss) and when the rumor proves to be unfounded, your eavesdropper will look and feel like a real asshole. Is it unfair to drag your innocent co-workers into this? Absolutely, but consider them necessary casualties of war. After all, your eavesdropper will definitely think twice about repeating anything you say again now that your rumors have proved to be unreliable. Your co-workers will bounce back from the incident sooner rather than later anyway because the rumor you instigated was a blatant lie.
5. Ignite the fear of god in your enemy. This should only be used as a last resort because you don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you’re reported to Human Resources for “creating a hostile work environment.” That never ends pretty. Approach the eavesdropper in a secluded location of the office and before doing anything, make sure that there are no witnesses to corroborate the eavesdropper’s story. Under no circumstances should you put your hands on him/her. You may leave marks on their person, which provides them with the evidence that they’ll need to report your ass to higher authorities. In case you couldn’t tell, that would be a bad thing. However do make the eavesdropper think that you would put your hands on him/her if the need arose. Your threat should be terrifying and convincing enough to make the eavesdropper think that spreading your dirty laundry is not worth the physical pain that you’d deal them as punishment.

Just remember, the CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. are a mere email away if you feel that you’ve exhausted all of your resources in dealing with the eavesdropper(s). For a small fee, we’ll be more than happy to handle the situation on your behalf. It’ll be like they never existed.