Let’s face it. We’ve all been late to work before. In some cases, there are those who are late on a consistent basis (The CEO’s, on the other hand, are never late for a job unless it’s strategically beneficial). We’re here to tell you that being late isn’t the problem. It’s the aftermath of being late that hurts.
1. The simplest way to avoid punishment is to not get caught. Take the back door and/or whatever route to your desk that will avoid 98% of the office population. Slide into your chair, turn on your computer, and start shuffling papers and files around as if you’re actively working on something so that to any random passerby, it looks as if you’ve been there the entire time.
2. If you’re busted arriving late, be apologetic. Apologizing will go over a lot smoother than kicking your boss in the groin and running away in a zig-zag pattern.
3. Having a good reason for bad behavior often garners sympathy from figures of authority. Think about it. Does anyone get pissed off at Superman for destroying the city after he single-handedly prevents a trio of creepy black leather-clad beings hailed from another planet from eradicating the city’s population? No! They applaud his heroics! Here are a few suggestions that have worked for us in the past:
· “I was in a car accident. I’m a little shaken up, but thankfully no injuries.” Just make sure there aren’t any witnesses to shut down this excuse. We did have an instance in which a fellow claimed he’d be in an accident and it turned out that he had been in an accident…the night before in the office parking lot in front of several of his peers. His bumper was left on his manager’s desk.
· “I was just about to leave the house, which would’ve guaranteed that I would’ve been here on time, when Zombieland came on. I don’t know why, but every time that movie is on, I have to sit and watch it through the end no matter what I’m doing. It’s a sickness. I don’t know what to do about it.” This excuse is so bizarre that there’s no way your boss will think you’re lying, hence the genius of it. Sure, he/she may think you’re mentally unstable, but at the most, all he/she will be able to do to you is recommend you seek therapy (which you’ll gladly do because then you can use your appointments as excuses to leave work early).
· “Instead of getting dressed for work when my alarm went off, I stayed in bed to play with myself, so it took a bit longer for me to get ready than usual, which of course, got me on the road later than usual, and now here we are.” This is especially effective if you’re a woman with a straight male boss. Combine this excuse with big boobs (or a push up bra) and a low cut blouse and we pretty much have a no-fail situation. While less effective with a straight female boss, she should be able to at least understand where you’re coming from.
· “My friend and I couldn’t fathom why there didn’t exist such a thing as an email high-five, so we spent the better part of the morning writing the perfect HTML code to create one in an effort to improve communication across the email galaxy. It took some time, but the good news is that we’re really on to something big here. It’s groundbreaking stuff.” As you can see, this shows your boss that you were late for legitimate work-related issues as opposed to being late because you’re lazy and inept. Actually, since it’s work-related, you’re technically not even late! You may even get a promotion for taking the initiative to create something fresh and exciting and to do it outside of your scheduled work shift.
4. Sometimes, it’s not your boss that’s going to nail you to the cross. There are occasions when the person itching to string you up is the office’s token “Dwight Schrute.” He/she wants to be well-liked by the boss, which will hopefully lead to advancement. In order to do this, he/she is willing to sacrifice as many people as possible. Removing this obstacle is an easy matter, but it requires stealth and a pair of balls. Either you have to be ballsy enough to call the professionals (i.e. Mako Services, Inc.) to eliminate the problem on your behalf or competent enough to do it yourself. Once the example has been set, no one will ever tattle on you again.
Obviously, the easiest way to avoid getting into trouble for being late is to not be late, but we at Mako Services, Inc. strongly feel that there are some things that are just not worth being on time to. Unless you are a ninja assassin, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, fire fighter, and/or EMT, there’s just no good reason for you to arrive at your place of employment on time. We understand. However, your straight-laced and non-innovative superiors will not understand. Therefore, keep some believable and reliable excuses handy at all times.
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