Tip #18: How to Remain Single

Marriage and monogamous relationships, in general, are becoming epidemic. In some cases, the epidemic provides a warm, comforting blanket to the individuals infected. However, there are many folks terrified by this plague for varying reasons. Some feel that by entering into marriage, they are giving up a sense of themselves, of their independence and equate commitment with death. Others fear making the wrong decision. The concept of spending an eternity with the same woman or man that turns out to be the very living embodiment of Satan is simply too much to bear; therefore they shun the idea of marriage altogether, preferring the comforts of familiarity to the fear of the unknown. It is these individuals that we’ve catered to with this survival tip.

1.    When spending time in a public forum that’s ripe for potential socialization, it’s best to appear unapproachable. Do not make eye contact with the other patrons. If applicable, maintain focus on the television screen even if it’s something preposterous like gerbil racing. If there’s an empty seat next to you, fill it with your coat or handbag so as to prevent a stranger from feeling friendly enough to sit down and strike up a conversation with you. If someone fails to pick up on these anti-social vibes you’re throwing down, use minimal words to express yourself, do not make eye contact, seem enthralled with your food, appear totally bored with them, etc. You get the point.

2.    Deodorant. In this case, it’s not your friend. It’s unfortunate that this will result in alienating some of (or majority of) your peers, friends, and family, but this is a necessary casualty of war. You don’t want to seem attractive to the opposite sex. Let’s face it. No one wants to bang stinky.

3.    It goes without saying that mean people suck. If you’re a big enough asshole, there’s not a sane person on this planet that’s going to want to date you. Just tone it down a notch for family and friends. You want to be single, not ostracized. You also don’t want your ass kicked.

4.    Eliminate flair. It’s great that you have eclectic hobbies and a great personality, however that’s exactly that kind of crap that’s going to land you a significant other. Keep the scintillating aspects of your person to yourself. It’s important to appear as bland as possible to the opposite sex otherwise you may give the impression that you are a “catch.” When attempting to channel this inner bore, try to imagine that you’re a saltine cracker. Saltine crackers are functional, but there’s absolutely nothing interesting about them.

5.    If you’re someone who may not want to commit to one dish in particular, but still want to partake in the buffet, steps #1 through 4 are not for you. Steps #5 and onward will cover getting action without committing to one flavor. For those of you strictly interested in one-night stands and nothing more, there is no need to even exchange phone numbers with the person you had sex with. In fact, last names are unnecessary as well seeing as how that opens the door for that person to stalk you out on Facebook. There IS, however, a great need for you to use a condom. It’s called STD’s and accidental pregnancy, neither of which are appealing. Google it if you don’t believe us.

6.    Perhaps the idea of a one-night stand repulses you slightly. You’d like to keep your “Number” a reasonably low one. You don’t want to risk venereal diseases or disgusting potential mates with an extraordinarily high “Number.” You’re good with having a consistent partner (or two) as long as it doesn’t require you to alter your single status. In order to accomplish that, it’s important not to present yourself as too available or else you run the risk of being unknowingly backed into a relationship. You do not need to respond to every stupid phone call and text message. You do not need to see each other every weekend. “Date Night” is not something that you should allow yourself to be sucked into. “Date Night” is for couples, something you have no desire to be a part of. You are also not a wedding date. Again, being sucked into a wedding that you were not invited to yourself is something that only happens to people in relationships. Always attend a wedding stag. You never know who you’re going to meet and having a date with you will only weigh you down.

7.    Do not let any of your penetration partners store shit at your home. On the flipside, do not store any of your shit at their home. Your place is yours. Their place is theirs. Never shall the two meet. Keeping things separated is the only way you can truly keep your lives separate. Once you start allowing your bedmate to encroach on your territory, the game is over.

8.    Needless to say, there is absolutely no reason to have this person you’re being noncommittal about meet your family or for you to meet theirs. Meeting the family allows an individual to gain insight to who you are, which is way too personal for someone you don’t care about. If you have no plans of bumping this individual up from bedmate to boyfriend/girlfriend, what is the point in complicating matters?

9.    No sleepovers. If you’re just looking for sex without any sort of emotional attachment, there is absolutely no reason to sleep with this person. Sleeping together implies a sense of intimacy. Intimacy toes the line of relationship, whether it’s a fully committed one or a quasi-committed one.

There is a fine line between having a detached sexual relationship and a casual, but meaningful one. Before getting yourself involved with an individual, you need to decide what you’re looking for. If you actually have or want emotional ties to the person you’re casually sleeping with, but still do not want a commitment, the above steps are not going to help you. They’re designed to keep your partner at an arm’s length at all times, limiting emotional involvement. They’re designed to ensure complete and total independence. In fact, following these steps is pretty much a guarantee that the person you feel affection for will avoid sleeping with you at all costs. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.