Tip #5: How to Alienate Your Co-Workers

Let’s face it. You’re not always going to like your peers. In fact, more likely than not, in a work environment, you’ll be surrounded by an inordinate amount of people whose very existence make you want to blow up a building. We understand these feelings entirely, which is why we operate our own, extremely lucrative, yet selective corporation. If you want to survive in the workplace while maintaining a high level of sanity, you’re going to need the “problem” co-workers to leave you alone whenever possible.

There is a 100% success rate when the practices detailed below are implemented by working in teams of at least two people, but no more than four. As they say, too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth. When working solo, the success rate drops by approximately 25%. It is important not to deploy any of these methods when a superior is in the vicinity. You want to alienate your peers, not get fired.

1. When creating your Operation Alienation team, it is vital that you select only people that you can trust. One renegade individual seeking only personal glory could spoil the venture for everyone. You need discreet and trustworthy individuals that you can rely on to get the necessary tasks accomplished quickly and effectively. It sometimes helps to choose people about whom you already have information of a certain nature. Having something over a person’s head grants you the power in the relationship and allows you to manipulate the situation to your benefit. If working alone, bypass this rule altogether and proceed to remainder of the rules.
2. Tell your co-workers that you can communicate using the Jedi Mind Trick. You don’t need to prove that you can use the Jedi Mind Trick. You only need to convince them that you think you can. This is where having a partner in crime (PIC) works to your benefit. Once you notify your peers of your “powers,” make sure that they witness you and your PIC staring at each other for an extended period of time. Mix in a few head nods and bursts of laughter. It will either seem like the two of you really are in the midst of a silent conversation or that you’re insane, both options being very effective in freaking out your co-workers.
3. Read up on venomous snake species. Familiarize yourself enough with the world’s top 5 deadliest that you could pass to an Average Joe as a connoisseur on the subject. For several weeks, drop random comments that hint at this passion. You might want to even go so far as to mention a fictitious “collection” of species in a specially customized room that you built in your home. Again, a PIC comes in handy because they’re able to confirm all of this information if asked. Finally, when someone does something to piss you off or refuses to do what you’ve asked, look the person in the eye and in a low, even voice (don’t overdo the sinister tone because it will only succeed in making you look like a caricature of a comic book villain) say, “I’m going to leave a King Cobra (or whatever your favorite venomous snake is) in your office tonight. Then you’ll be sorry.” Before they can react or reply, calmly walk away.
4. With your PIC, loudly and fervently discuss in a high-traffic location where and when you’re going to set up an outdoor knife-throwing range. Specifically mention that once you perfect your ninja star throwing abilities, you’re going to graduate to sub-machine guns and rocket launchers. Your PIC should react as if he/she has just won the lottery and express enthusiasm for joining you in this endeavor. If operating alone, simply have this conversation with yourself aloud. Bonus points if you’re able to act the roles of both you and the PIC convincingly.
5. If your workspace is a cubicle, change your cell phone’s ring tone to something extremely annoying like high-pitched mewling sound or “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer. Turn the volume as high as it can go. Leave your desk. Call your cell phone from another location repeatedly for at least 15 minutes without any break. Do this at least once a day.
6. Carry a little notebook that only a 7 year old girl would like to all of your meetings. Bonus points if it comes with a tiny lock that is so feeble-looking that a monkey could break into it. Scribble notes in it throughout the meeting, but don’t allow anyone to look over your shoulder. Call this book your secret diary. Openly “hide” it by taping it to the underside of your desk chair and act like no one knows of its secret location. 
7. Tell people that you’re bilingual. When they ask what other language speak, tell them Ewok. When they look at you with doubt, whisper, “Akeeata” and then state in a normal tone of voice, “means ‘listen.’” When someone walks into the kitchen as you’re talking to your PIC, start speaking in Ewok as if the topic you’re discussing is private. Blatantly revert back to English as the person leaves.
8. Whenever possible, run through the office, making as much noise as possible, even if you’re only going to a nearby printer. You can accomplish this by slamming your foot down ungracefully with each step. Refrain from screaming as it is most likely that your boss will notice that behavior and disapprove. They can’t write you up for “heavy footsteps.”
9. Eat other people’s lunches that have been left in the fridge. Be sure not to get caught because this behavior will get you into trouble, but make it obvious enough that your peers suspect that it’s you. Bonus points for taking bites out of a sandwich or dish and putting the rest back.

Practicing these rules should be done with caution. Only the strongest have the will power to pull them off. You must be able to tolerate being the most hated individual in the department. Accept that you’ll never be invited to happy hours or other social gatherings. Know that no one in the office will ever want to have a fling with you. If you can handle this without any sort of pansy crying, bitching, or moaning, then proceed. Otherwise, you need to just suck up the fact that you’re in for a miserable career ahead of you.