Tip #8: Partying with Ewoks

They may be adorable furry little creatures, but rest assured that Ewoks can do some serious damage if provoked. Those of you who’ve witnessed the genius of Return of the Jedi know what we’re talking about. In addition to their ability to adequately defend their homeland, Ewoks know how to throw a party. Animal House learned all that they knew from the Ewoks. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Damn. I wanna party like they do on Endor. That is the shizzle!” Well, you can, but not without heeding these words of wisdom:

1. Never abruptly take off your hat or helmet in the presence of an Ewok. It makes them uneasy and it might prompt them to stab you with their spear. For starters, they don’t know what a hat or helmet is. They don’t wear them. When you’re that small, any foreign object is initially going to make you wary. Secondly, you’re not trustworthy. Therefore, any sudden movements on your part is going to cause an Ewok to go ape shit and that’s how you end up stabbed. To put things into perspective for you, an Ewok nearly stabbed Princess Leia for pete’s sake and you’re nothing in comparison to Leia!
2. Learn basic Ewokese. That way, when an Ewok tells you to, “Akeeta,” you friggin’ listen! There’s a reason that Ewok is issuing you an order. The species did not survive battling The Empire on sheer luck. The Marines’ basic training course consists of warfare tactics created and perfected by the Ewoks! Think about that. Furthermore, if you hear a pair of Ewoks speak the word, “E s'eesht” and eye you warily, run, do not walk, away from the scene about to unfold. It means, “kill” and no good can come of that for you. This is where having an understanding of Ewokese will be beneficial to you. Not only will you be aware of the fact that an Ewok “hit” is about to be committed against you, but you can also take proper measures to pacify the aggressors. Perhaps impress them with the word, “Jeerota” (friend) while pointing to yourself. The fact that you’re able to communicate with them may be the key to a stay of execution. We can’t always be there to tell you when an Ewok is about to murder you or how to fix things! You must learn to take care of yourself if you mean to survive…actually, now that we think about it, this policy should really be applied to all cultures across the board. We recommend that you stock up on as many Rosetta Stone programs as you possibly can in order to truly cover your ass. Not only could it save your life, but an advanced knowledge of linguistics will open dozens of doors for a new career in the “trade” industry! It’s a win-win.
3. Get a good night’s sleep. If you’re going to party with the Ewoks, you need to have stamina. These little furry f*ckers put all-nighters to shame. Be prepared to participate in celebrations lasting several days and consist of dancing, feasting, and imbibing alcohol (do you not recall the party at the end of Return of the Jedi? That shit was no joke). Don’t for one second believe that you can catch a quick cat nap in a secluded hut without getting busted. Ewoks are stealth like Steven Segal. They will find you and they will punish you for your indiscretion (they’ll most likely try to roast you over an open flame like Han Solo and Luke before C3PO stepped in and saved the day). If you can’t play with the big boys, stay on the bench.
4. Start building up your alcohol tolerance now. If you’re a pansy bitch who pukes on the first night of partying, they’ll never respect you. Get your shit together. No self-respecting Ewok pukes on the first night. At the very least, wait until the third night. Plus, no one likes a lightweight. If you’re the type of person who gets tipsy off of one drink, do us all a favor. Stay home and stick to your one glass of wine with dinner. There’s no room for you at Chateau Ewok. Before you claim that there isn’t any evidence to support this statement, we assure you that there has to be some element of truth here. We hate drinking with pansy bitches and therefore Ewoks must feel the same way because they’re very logical, if slightly paranoid creatures.

If, after reading these helpful bits of information, you feel confident that you’re willing and able to party Endor-style, then by all means, rock on with your bad self! However, do not be ashamed to admit that you’re a mere fledgling in the grand scheme of fiestas. Don’t get us wrong. You’re still a bitch, but at least you’re admitting it and that kind of self-awareness can save your life…not the amount of respect that society will extend your way, but in any case, you do get life. However pathetic and meager it may be, your heart still beats and you’re able to breathe. Congratulations.

Tip #5: How to Alienate Your Co-Workers

Let’s face it. You’re not always going to like your peers. In fact, more likely than not, in a work environment, you’ll be surrounded by an inordinate amount of people whose very existence make you want to blow up a building. We understand these feelings entirely, which is why we operate our own, extremely lucrative, yet selective corporation. If you want to survive in the workplace while maintaining a high level of sanity, you’re going to need the “problem” co-workers to leave you alone whenever possible.

There is a 100% success rate when the practices detailed below are implemented by working in teams of at least two people, but no more than four. As they say, too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth. When working solo, the success rate drops by approximately 25%. It is important not to deploy any of these methods when a superior is in the vicinity. You want to alienate your peers, not get fired.

1. When creating your Operation Alienation team, it is vital that you select only people that you can trust. One renegade individual seeking only personal glory could spoil the venture for everyone. You need discreet and trustworthy individuals that you can rely on to get the necessary tasks accomplished quickly and effectively. It sometimes helps to choose people about whom you already have information of a certain nature. Having something over a person’s head grants you the power in the relationship and allows you to manipulate the situation to your benefit. If working alone, bypass this rule altogether and proceed to remainder of the rules.
2. Tell your co-workers that you can communicate using the Jedi Mind Trick. You don’t need to prove that you can use the Jedi Mind Trick. You only need to convince them that you think you can. This is where having a partner in crime (PIC) works to your benefit. Once you notify your peers of your “powers,” make sure that they witness you and your PIC staring at each other for an extended period of time. Mix in a few head nods and bursts of laughter. It will either seem like the two of you really are in the midst of a silent conversation or that you’re insane, both options being very effective in freaking out your co-workers.
3. Read up on venomous snake species. Familiarize yourself enough with the world’s top 5 deadliest that you could pass to an Average Joe as a connoisseur on the subject. For several weeks, drop random comments that hint at this passion. You might want to even go so far as to mention a fictitious “collection” of species in a specially customized room that you built in your home. Again, a PIC comes in handy because they’re able to confirm all of this information if asked. Finally, when someone does something to piss you off or refuses to do what you’ve asked, look the person in the eye and in a low, even voice (don’t overdo the sinister tone because it will only succeed in making you look like a caricature of a comic book villain) say, “I’m going to leave a King Cobra (or whatever your favorite venomous snake is) in your office tonight. Then you’ll be sorry.” Before they can react or reply, calmly walk away.
4. With your PIC, loudly and fervently discuss in a high-traffic location where and when you’re going to set up an outdoor knife-throwing range. Specifically mention that once you perfect your ninja star throwing abilities, you’re going to graduate to sub-machine guns and rocket launchers. Your PIC should react as if he/she has just won the lottery and express enthusiasm for joining you in this endeavor. If operating alone, simply have this conversation with yourself aloud. Bonus points if you’re able to act the roles of both you and the PIC convincingly.
5. If your workspace is a cubicle, change your cell phone’s ring tone to something extremely annoying like high-pitched mewling sound or “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer. Turn the volume as high as it can go. Leave your desk. Call your cell phone from another location repeatedly for at least 15 minutes without any break. Do this at least once a day.
6. Carry a little notebook that only a 7 year old girl would like to all of your meetings. Bonus points if it comes with a tiny lock that is so feeble-looking that a monkey could break into it. Scribble notes in it throughout the meeting, but don’t allow anyone to look over your shoulder. Call this book your secret diary. Openly “hide” it by taping it to the underside of your desk chair and act like no one knows of its secret location. 
7. Tell people that you’re bilingual. When they ask what other language speak, tell them Ewok. When they look at you with doubt, whisper, “Akeeata” and then state in a normal tone of voice, “means ‘listen.’” When someone walks into the kitchen as you’re talking to your PIC, start speaking in Ewok as if the topic you’re discussing is private. Blatantly revert back to English as the person leaves.
8. Whenever possible, run through the office, making as much noise as possible, even if you’re only going to a nearby printer. You can accomplish this by slamming your foot down ungracefully with each step. Refrain from screaming as it is most likely that your boss will notice that behavior and disapprove. They can’t write you up for “heavy footsteps.”
9. Eat other people’s lunches that have been left in the fridge. Be sure not to get caught because this behavior will get you into trouble, but make it obvious enough that your peers suspect that it’s you. Bonus points for taking bites out of a sandwich or dish and putting the rest back.

Practicing these rules should be done with caution. Only the strongest have the will power to pull them off. You must be able to tolerate being the most hated individual in the department. Accept that you’ll never be invited to happy hours or other social gatherings. Know that no one in the office will ever want to have a fling with you. If you can handle this without any sort of pansy crying, bitching, or moaning, then proceed. Otherwise, you need to just suck up the fact that you’re in for a miserable career ahead of you.