Tip #11: When You Truly Hate Your Job

There are people in this world who actually get a sense of joy and satisfaction out of their occupations. These individuals are typically doctors, lawyers, marine biologists (basically professionals who’ve had to work extremely hard and earn multiple degrees in order to achieve success in their particular field), or simpletons that don’t realize they should hate themselves and their situation.

Some people simply view their occupation as a source of income. Sometimes it’s enjoyable and at other times, misery inducing.

However, there is a third category of employees. Those whose very blood is saturated with utter contempt for their co-workers, department “vision” or “mission,” authority figures, and day-to-day job functions…and usually not without good reason. It should go without saying that any job that conjures this type of involuntary production of venom in an individual should be left for greener pastures (unless of course, you are a species of venomous reptile. In that case, involuntary production of venom is perfectly natural), however here at Mako Services, Inc., we understand that this is not always an easy task to accomplish. Not only is it not easy, but actively pursuing completion of this task is often time consuming and frustrating. In the meantime, you’re forced to continue your service to the evil higher power currently stripping away your dreams, hopes, happiness, and soul. We know just how debilitating this can be for creative and thoughtful geniuses such as ourselves. That is why we’ve created a list of helpful tips to get you through these troubling times until you’re able to find your exit.

1. No matter how bleak things start to look, continue to prostitute your resume on online forums such as Monster and CareerBuilder. In fact, we recommend that you continue doing so during office hours. It’ll be a fantastic and productive way to pass your time spent in purgatory and let’s be rational here. Quitting will only prolong your enslavement, allowing it to slowly eat away any self-respect that you may have for yourself along with your drive to exist. Just be sure to minimize your screen when any of those assholes you work with walk by. You don’t want to get in any trouble.
2. Stick to your headphones like a bee drawn to honey. It should go without saying that conversing with your dreaded co-workers will only add to your despair, which is why headphones are of such great assistance. With your headphones on, it’s completely acceptable to ignore everyone around you because they think you can’t hear them over your music. Therefore when people spot those headphones, unless it’s absolutely necessary for them to speak with you, they’ll simply bypass your desk. The great thing about this tactic is that you don’t even really need to be listening to music. You only need to create the illusion that you are.
3. Keep a bottle of liquor in the bottom of your desk drawers, preferably hidden beneath a lot of work files so that none of the thieving assholes in your department “accidentally” discover it. There’s a reason why people frequently turn to drugs and alcohol when they’re feeling down. These substances temporarily numb any pain that you may be experiencing all the while making you feel great, wonderful, and like everybody loves you. Of course, this only works in moderation. Becoming shit-faced on the job is not the solution as it will lead to you engaging in one or more of the following activities: passing out on your desk and drooling on any papers and/or the computer keyboard, stumbling around the office and knocking over a lot of expensive item (such as the laminator), sending mass emails about how much you hate this place and everyone in it, and/or peeing openly somewhere in the office in front of all your colleagues…like the conference room…during a staff meeting. However, a nip from the bottle here and there will definitely help you get through your day as painlessly as possible. Note: adopting this strategy does not make you an alcoholic. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
4. We know that you may feel like bringing a semi-automatic weapon into the office and unleashing all of your anger and frustration out on your simple-minded co-workers is a good idea. We understand. To be quite frank, they’d probably deserve it, but unfortunately you can’t do that because for some reason, our country’s laws forbid you from taking such action.  Due to the inexplicable unaccommodating nature of this nation’s legal system, it is in your best interest to release your anger and frustration in the most stealth way possible. Hire a “consultant” and be sure to take a vacation day on the day your office is scheduled for “spring cleaning.”

Remember, our dear little wretched creature, do not give up the good fight. One day, hopefully soon, you’ll find something better and then you can blow your current taco stand with two middle fingers extended toward the sky. Afterwards, you can enlist us to return to the scene of your grief in order to “handle” things on your behalf. Please keep in mind that we will require a deposit. Review examples of our Services Agreement and Confidentiality Agreement for further information.