Tip #9: How to Reclaim Your Bed from Your Partner

The whole purpose in dating someone is to see if they’re someone you’d like to spend the rest of your life with in an underground bunker when the world ends. Typically, if you’re happy in your current state, you take the relationship to the next level, and so forth until you either marry the individual, become “life partners,” or “dispose” of them.

Regardless of how happy you are there comes a time in a relationship when you’re not quite ready to murder your partner yet, but you’d still like a little space. Whether you live with the person or participate in regular “slumber parties,” reclaiming your bed is a simple way to gain this desired space.

1. Sleep in your shared bed as a dog would. Stretch out along the foot of the bed and spread out as if you’re a giant Great Dane. Bonus points for digging a foot into his/her lower back and sporadically kicking throughout the night while you “dream.” When he/she attempts to move you, make your body as limp as possible so that it’s extremely difficult for him/her. If he/she continues, bite him/her and follow it up with a low snarling sound. Just like sleeping with a dog, he/she will have to evaluate whether to put up with this or leave the bed to you. While most people will tolerate the dog (or cat) because they’re cute, cuddly, lovable, and don’t know any better, it’s unlikely that people are willing to put up with this kind of crap from a human.
2. While in bed with your partner, hold a pillow down on his/her face. When he/she struggles (and yes, he/she will struggle. You are cutting off their flow of oxygen and the instinct to survive will kick in), sigh irritably and say simply, “You’re making this a lot harder than it has to be.” Eventually, your partner will say something desperate like, “I can’t breathe.” Laugh hysterically and cry jubilantly, “I know!” Of course, since you’re only trying to get your bed back, you’ll have to remove the pillow at some point so that you don’t kill your partner (unless that’s your end goal. In that case, proceed with the suffocation process). This type of behavior will frighten your partner and cause them to question whether or not it’s really safe to share a bed with you. Mission accomplished.
3. Snore loudly and incessantly. Ignore any protestations coming from your bedmate. Eventually, the sounds emanating from the back of your throat will become so annoying that he/she will vacate the bed and relocate to the guest room or couch. Score. 
4. Eat in bed. Be sure to chow down on foods that leave an abundant supply of crumbs behind in its wake. While you may find this concept somewhat revolting, it is a necessary evil to secure a night of solitude. The irritating feel of crumbs rubbing against the skin of your man/woman will anger and disgust him/her enough to prompt them to leave. Change sheets only when you’re ready to relinquish your space again. To make it seem like you care for the needs of your man/woman, lie and apologize for being so clumsy, sloppy, irresponsible, etc. Say or do whatever you need to in order to get that person to quit bitching and come back…at the very least to quit bitching. Who really cares if they come back?
5. Drink heavily and pass out face down in starfish pose in the middle of the bed so that your partner has no choice but to sleep elsewhere. Yes, your hangover in the morning will be a slight inconvenience, but the upside of this is the fact that you’ve slept alone in your bed for the first time in weeks! Congrats! Well worth it, we say! There is potential for your partner to give you the silent treatment as a result of your actions, but that’s pretty positive if you ask us. Not only did you get your bed all to yourself, but now you have peace and quiet. Good job!
6. Drooling is also often effective and we’re not just talking about a little spittle here. Gather enough saliva in your mouth so that it’s actually uncomfortable for you to hold it any longer. Once you’ve generated an ample amount, roll over, nestle up to your target, and simply open your mouth so that it oozes from your lips onto its destination. Voila! We assure you that no one will want to remain there no matter how much you “apologize” for the incident. Note: it’s extra annoying if when you roll over, you hook your arm around that person so that they have trouble moving away from the atrocity dribbling from your mouth. Extra points for being able to cough up some phlegm for that saliva bomb. Plus, it gives you the added excuse, “I’m sorry. I’m sick. *cough, cough*”

As you can see, manipulating the situation can earn you a night’s solo rest and the space necessary for you to survive your relationship. If you feel that this is not enough space for you, perhaps you should reconsider this whole relationship thing and find a hobby more suitable to loners such as yourself…like solitaire or gun cleaning.