Tip #8: Partying with Ewoks

They may be adorable furry little creatures, but rest assured that Ewoks can do some serious damage if provoked. Those of you who’ve witnessed the genius of Return of the Jedi know what we’re talking about. In addition to their ability to adequately defend their homeland, Ewoks know how to throw a party. Animal House learned all that they knew from the Ewoks. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Damn. I wanna party like they do on Endor. That is the shizzle!” Well, you can, but not without heeding these words of wisdom:

1. Never abruptly take off your hat or helmet in the presence of an Ewok. It makes them uneasy and it might prompt them to stab you with their spear. For starters, they don’t know what a hat or helmet is. They don’t wear them. When you’re that small, any foreign object is initially going to make you wary. Secondly, you’re not trustworthy. Therefore, any sudden movements on your part is going to cause an Ewok to go ape shit and that’s how you end up stabbed. To put things into perspective for you, an Ewok nearly stabbed Princess Leia for pete’s sake and you’re nothing in comparison to Leia!
2. Learn basic Ewokese. That way, when an Ewok tells you to, “Akeeta,” you friggin’ listen! There’s a reason that Ewok is issuing you an order. The species did not survive battling The Empire on sheer luck. The Marines’ basic training course consists of warfare tactics created and perfected by the Ewoks! Think about that. Furthermore, if you hear a pair of Ewoks speak the word, “E s'eesht” and eye you warily, run, do not walk, away from the scene about to unfold. It means, “kill” and no good can come of that for you. This is where having an understanding of Ewokese will be beneficial to you. Not only will you be aware of the fact that an Ewok “hit” is about to be committed against you, but you can also take proper measures to pacify the aggressors. Perhaps impress them with the word, “Jeerota” (friend) while pointing to yourself. The fact that you’re able to communicate with them may be the key to a stay of execution. We can’t always be there to tell you when an Ewok is about to murder you or how to fix things! You must learn to take care of yourself if you mean to survive…actually, now that we think about it, this policy should really be applied to all cultures across the board. We recommend that you stock up on as many Rosetta Stone programs as you possibly can in order to truly cover your ass. Not only could it save your life, but an advanced knowledge of linguistics will open dozens of doors for a new career in the “trade” industry! It’s a win-win.
3. Get a good night’s sleep. If you’re going to party with the Ewoks, you need to have stamina. These little furry f*ckers put all-nighters to shame. Be prepared to participate in celebrations lasting several days and consist of dancing, feasting, and imbibing alcohol (do you not recall the party at the end of Return of the Jedi? That shit was no joke). Don’t for one second believe that you can catch a quick cat nap in a secluded hut without getting busted. Ewoks are stealth like Steven Segal. They will find you and they will punish you for your indiscretion (they’ll most likely try to roast you over an open flame like Han Solo and Luke before C3PO stepped in and saved the day). If you can’t play with the big boys, stay on the bench.
4. Start building up your alcohol tolerance now. If you’re a pansy bitch who pukes on the first night of partying, they’ll never respect you. Get your shit together. No self-respecting Ewok pukes on the first night. At the very least, wait until the third night. Plus, no one likes a lightweight. If you’re the type of person who gets tipsy off of one drink, do us all a favor. Stay home and stick to your one glass of wine with dinner. There’s no room for you at Chateau Ewok. Before you claim that there isn’t any evidence to support this statement, we assure you that there has to be some element of truth here. We hate drinking with pansy bitches and therefore Ewoks must feel the same way because they’re very logical, if slightly paranoid creatures.

If, after reading these helpful bits of information, you feel confident that you’re willing and able to party Endor-style, then by all means, rock on with your bad self! However, do not be ashamed to admit that you’re a mere fledgling in the grand scheme of fiestas. Don’t get us wrong. You’re still a bitch, but at least you’re admitting it and that kind of self-awareness can save your life…not the amount of respect that society will extend your way, but in any case, you do get life. However pathetic and meager it may be, your heart still beats and you’re able to breathe. Congratulations.